Ariel's Two Cents

 When you have a disease or condition like Scleroderma , you must keep up on yearly testing.  There are several different tests that are required for proper monitoring of the disease.  Yesterday, I completed my yearly echocardiogram at Pulse Heart Institute in Spokane, Washington.  Well, this test is supposed  to be done on a yearly basis, but I have extreme medical anxiety, so I waited four years to get it done after the first one.  Testing is difficult for me for many different reasons, the main one being I absolutely hate to be touched by anyone, for any purpose.   The echocardiogram was scheduled for 4 pm, after my therapy appointment.  I had two hours in between appointments, but I didn't have much to do, so we went and had a Frappuccino before we went to my echocardiogram appointment.  I used our coffee date as a time to prepare myself mentally for what I had to put myself through.  Any test that requires me to remove my clo...

 I have not had the best day, and I think that a venting session might be helpful.  My day was doomed from the very moment it started.  Actually.  That is not correct.  It was doomed when I had an awful night last night.  I was in an excruciating amount of pain and that was stopping me from sleeping.  I tossed and turned and begged for help for hours before I finally decided to take a clonazepam to help me sleep.  I rarely take those tablets.  I do not care for them at all, and they cause me cardiac distress the following day.  My doctor prescribes 10 of them at a time and that lasts me about 3 - 4 months.  I'm not even exaggerating.  I pick them up when I do my quarterly pain management appointments.  The clonazepam took until around 2 am to put me to sleep and when it did, I slept like the dead until my 6:30 am alarm woke me up.  I turned it off (without realizing that's what I did) and went back to sleep until my n...

 I've been in a dark place for a few days.  I haven't been able to find the words to write about it, so I'm going to try to do so now.  I may end up deleting this for the 5,430,503rd time this week.  Who knows... Back in 2021, I was seeing a psychiatrist through MultiCare.  She was treating me for bipolar disorder but apparently, she thought that I had BPD (borderline personality disorder) , also.  She never discussed it with me.  She simply wrote it in the notes of my medical chart, clearly not realizing that I read everything that has my name attached to it.  She never had a single conversation with me about the possibility of a new diagnosis.  It was sneaky and behind-my-back and I don't like people that move like that.  I need to be able to trust my providers to communicate with me when there is an issue.  I stopped seeing her after that incident and ran from that diagnosis ever since. Last month, my meltdowns started to become...

 I had an important appointment yesterday afternoon.  I met with my urogynecologist's Nurse Practitioner, Katrina Whipple.  It was my first time meeting with her, so my anxiety was through the roof.  In fact, my anxiety was so bad that I had a massive meltdown in the morning while trying to get ready for my day.  I knew that I was going to have to tell this doctor all about my past trauma, both sexual and medical.  Both forms of trauma are pertinent to this appointment as it affects Interstitial Cystitis in a big way.  Every time I have anxiety or get upset, I have an instant bladder flare.  It's like clockwork, every single time.   When the nurse was checking me in and doing my vitals, I let her know that my blood pressure might be elevated due to my medical anxiety and past trauma.  At that point, I told her some of the minor details of my abuse by medical providers.  She was very compassionate and had empathy for what I hav...

 Hope... It's a strange concept to me, as a pessimist, to believe that things are going to be okay, yet that is precisely the feeling I have been left with lately.  Hope scares me because all too often, the good things in life have been taken away from me.  I'm afraid to grow accustomed to the good things existing in my life for fear that they may be taken away from me.  I have lived this way all my life.  I don't know why I'm like this or why I look at the world the way that I do.  It's just me and I can't help it.   Two weeks ago, I had an appointment with my new rheumatologist, and she informed me that my former diagnosis was not correct.  She corrected it to show Systemic Sclerosis Sine Scleroderma and told me that I would need more frequent testing.  The thought of more frequent testing, quite frankly, makes me sick to my stomach.  I have severe medical anxiety and test days are almost always the worst ones for me.  I just...

 It's time for an autoimmune update post!  I saw my primary care doctor, Cassandra, yesterday afternoon.  I had to update her on so many different things that I nearly forgot half of it.  Thankfully, Michael was at the appointment with me, so he was able to make sure the things that I forgot about would be mentioned.  This is why it is critically important for support people to be allowed into these appointments.  Most of us with autoimmune disease also have some form of brain fog at the same time.  It's difficult to live with it and even more difficult to manage your chronic illnesses when you're dealing with brain fog, too. Before Cassandra left for a two-week vacation, she messaged me and told me to behave while she was away.  It was a perfectly normal comment for us as we tend to joke about my health and body always causing issues.  She always jokes with love in her heart, never to be mean, rude or disrespectful.  She knows when it'...

 The 4th of July has come and gone now and I'm ready to talk about it.  You see, the 4th of July is usually an awful day for me.  I have complex PTSD from years of trauma and abuse.  One of the many traumatic events I went through was what I call, "The Naked City Shooting", and it has been one of my biggest problems since the day of the shooting.  Immediately after the incident, the sound of fireworks would cause me to cry hysterically, much like a small child who is terrified of something.  It was embarrassing to live life this way, but what was I supposed to do?  How do you undo the damage of trauma?  If it was simple, therapists would not have a yearlong wait list to get services.   In anticipation of the noise, I typically take a clonazepam at around 6 or 7 pm on the night of the 4th of July.  The goal is to be so sedated that no noise wakes me up.  This usually does the trick, in conjunction with my other nighttime medic...