Ariel's Two Cents

 The 4th of July has come and gone now and I'm ready to talk about it.  You see, the 4th of July is usually an awful day for me.  I have complex PTSD from years of trauma and abuse.  One of the many traumatic events I went through was what I call, "The Naked City Shooting", and it has been one of my biggest problems since the day of the shooting.  Immediately after the incident, the sound of fireworks would cause me to cry hysterically, much like a small child who is terrified of something.  It was embarrassing to live life this way, but what was I supposed to do?  How do you undo the damage of trauma?  If it was simple, therapists would not have a yearlong wait list to get services.   In anticipation of the noise, I typically take a clonazepam at around 6 or 7 pm on the night of the 4th of July.  The goal is to be so sedated that no noise wakes me up.  This usually does the trick, in conjunction with my other nighttime medic...

 I saw my neurologist last month and she finally changed my medication.  I was on Emgality for migraines, but it just was not effective, so she prescribed me Ajovy.  I picked it up last week and did my first injection Saturday evening.  It went fine.  It was actually easier than Emgality and it did not hurt at all, whereas Emgality would burn and sting so bad that I would cry.  I stayed on that medication for a year before the doctor finally listened to me and changed it.  I thought this medication would be a good one, but I was terribly wrong. A few hours after I woke up this morning, my bottom lip started to swell, but only on the left side, which I thought was strange.  I made some phone calls to my medical team and the pharmacy that just filled the Ajovy for me.  All medical personnel directed me to seek immediate medical attention.  The main suspicion was that it's an allergic reaction to Ajovy, although it is strange that it took 4...

After last week's change of plans, Lori and I finally found the time to have my first EMDR reprocessing session.  We had to switch to a virtual session last time and I didn't want to do any reprocessing from home, just in case it flipped me out.  Lori didn't want to have a virtual session for EMDR, either, so there was no disagreement there.  Of course, there is never disagreement between Lori and me.  I trust her implicitly and for good reason. My reprocessing appointment was on Monday, and today is Wednesday.  When you have a reprocessing session, it "opens you up" and your brain continues to reprocess the trauma for the next 48 hours.  I have known this for quite some time as Lori has educated me about the process of EMDR, at least as much as she can without doing the actual therapy.  Most of it is easier to understand when you are going through it rather than when you are just learning about it.  Lori knows that I get anxiety quite easily, so ...

Today has been a bad day for me, and I think writing about it might help me to process it.  I woke up in a lot of pain this morning.  I overdid it yesterday by going to my group therapy session, then running errands afterwards.  The meltdown first thing yesterday morning was not helpful for my spoons.  I use an app to track my spoons.  It's called Visible  and it uses your heart rate to track your activity level to help you not overdo it and cause a flare.  It also tracks your Morning Stability score by looking at vitals like your Heart Rate Variability (HRV) and Resting Heart Rate (RHR) to determine if you should have a rest day or if you have been pacing well.  This morning, it gave me a rating of 1/5 and asked me to be kind to myself today.  That should have told me to just crawl back in bed and forget all about this day.  I used more than double my allotted points yesterday, so I feel like today started with a massive deficit instead...

 My heart is racing.  My palms are sweaty.  I'm getting dizzy.  My knees feel weak.  My vision is getting darker.  I almost can't see anything in front of me.  I'm hyperventilating.  I can't breathe.  I need help.  These are the symptoms that I get anytime I'm having anxiety.  I have been struggling with this since I was a child, and it has never gotten any easier for me to deal with it.  You see, I have been through horrible situations that have traumatized me forever.  I've been in a shootout.  I've been kidnapped.  I've been sexually assaulted and abused.  I've been beaten by lovers and attacked by my haters.  I have plenty of reason for reacting the way that I do.  I have been fighting a battle in my head since the chaos began.  I am a warrior!  I will never give up. C-PTSD is the reason that I struggle with these symptoms.  PTSD causes some symptoms, but when a person has comp...

 Making memories with my family has been critically important to me ever since that fateful day in 2018 where the rheumatologist told me that I was dying, slowly, but dying just the same.  I stopped living my life in some ways, but in others I have kicked it up a bit.  One way that we did that was by attending a rock concert over the weekend.  My husband got free tickets to see Buckcherry , and we took our oldest son with us.  The concert was held at Michael's place of employment, so we didn't have to go too far to make those memories.  We simply had to meet my husband after his shift ended and enjoy a family night together.  My youngest son stayed home and watched the house and the dogs for us, so I didn't have to worry about that.  (My dogs have severe separation anxiety , so I can't leave them alone for very long.)   Although I had a blast at the show, there were some moments that were very trying (and a bit triggering), but I ma...

I finally had a chance to talk to my therapist about what went down at the doctor's office last week and the positive High-Risk HPV from that exam.  I don't know why, but I always feel so much better after talking to Lori.  She has a motherly energy, and I just love talking to her, no matter what we're talking about.  She's not judgmental in the least and almost always has a solution to whatever I am dealing with.  This time around, she may have a referral to a doctor that will help me get the hysterectomy.  I'll get more information about that later this week.   As part of my therapy, Lori asked me to tell her what happened at the doctor's office.  I struggled to verbalize it, which is not a new problem for me, unfortunately.  I was able to tell her about Michael deciding for me that I should just get the exam done while we were already there.  I told her about the doctor being kind enough to use lidocaine, although it was still painful...

 I'm doing a thing today and it's kind of scary, but I'm doing it anyway.  I am facing one of my biggest fears, which is being alone for any extended period of time.  This is one of my mental health goals that I am working on with my therapist, Lori.  I've been with her for 6 months now and this is the first time I have had a chance to try to be alone.  I know she's going to love to hear about this tomorrow during my one-on-one session with her. I had massive anxiety this morning that led to a meltdown before Michael left for work.  Any time that I have anxiety, I tend to nag and nitpick those around me, especially Michael.  I don't mean to do it, but once I get triggered, I can't figure out how to stop it.  The words just come out of my mouth.  It's awful and it makes me hate myself for the things that I say when I am triggered.  Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that, no matter what.  This is one of the many things that is on m...

I woke with a startle this morning and that should have been my sign to go back to bed and forget all about this day.  My anxiety has been through the roof since my appointment on Monday.  I've had flashbacks on a loop ever since the pelvic exam that day.  Normally, I would have scheduled that appointment for a time when I could take an anxiety tablet beforehand, but I was convinced to just to do it now.  It was my husband who convinced me to do it while we were there.  Of course, he didn't consider the effects that such an exam would have on me and blindly recommended it anyway.  I have a slight resentment with him about that now, but I'm working on processing it and moving on.   My state of mind this morning was awful, and I tried to tell my husband that, but before I could, he had already started a fight with me.  I was already dealing with anxiety off the charts and my heart was racing, so I know my POTS  was acting up, too.  My...