Ariel's Two Cents

 My mental health has been a wild ride lately.  As you likely know, I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) last month by my therapist, Lori.  The diagnosis has hit me pretty hard and I'm still struggling to deal with it.  I still can't even admit it to certain people.  Nobody understands what it's like to get hit with a diagnosis like this.  The realization that the trauma from my childhood permanently altered my personality is a hard pill to swallow, you know?  I haven't given up on myself yet, though, so I have that going for me. I've had a busy therapy schedule lately.  I've been going at least 4 times per week.  I have two groups with Lori and a one-on-one session every week.  Then, I have a relationship group with Angela, the other clinician that I work with.  Both of these therapists have been immensely helpful for my healing journey.  Lori is my trauma therapist, and she is amazing and teaches me lot...

 I had an awful start to my day, and it has left its mark on me.  I only slept for about 3 - 4 hours before I woke up with a bout of painsomnia, which is one of my most hated symptoms.  Painsomnia steals my sleep, my joy and my peace all in one swoop.  Today's episode was compliments of sleeping on my stomach, which causes severe back pain for me.  When I woke up, I could not feel my hips or parts of my legs.  I could not get up and out of bed to make my coffee, use the restroom, find my pain medication, or anything else that I might have needed at the time.  I did the only logical thing that one can do at 3 am in an emergency and I woke up my husband.  He begrudgingly got up and out of bed to help me.  Neither of us were in a particularly good mood at that ungodly hour, but he still made the coffee, got me my medication, then promptly went back to sleep.   Normally, I would spend the next few hours working on a writing project or s...

 I guess it's time for another update about my autoimmune life.  I've had another medical emergency this past week.  Tuesday night, I took my first dose of Carbamazepine for my Bipolar mood swings .  I had an appointment scheduled with the prescribing doctor the next morning, Wednesday.  Well, when I woke up Wednesday morning, I had a rash starting on my chest.  When I met with the doctor, we decided to stop the medication, which I had already decided that without his input as soon as I saw the rash starting.  We decided to just get back to a more natural state for now and will discuss adding a new medication on our next appointment.  He told me what allergic reactions to look for and a sore throat was one of the things that he mentioned.  I woke up Thursday morning with a sore throat and the rash was much, much worse than the night before.   After doing a bit of research, I decided that it would be best if I went to Urgent Care ag...

I woke with a startle this morning and that should have been my sign to go back to bed and forget all about this day.  My anxiety has been through the roof since my appointment on Monday.  I've had flashbacks on a loop ever since the pelvic exam that day.  Normally, I would have scheduled that appointment for a time when I could take an anxiety tablet beforehand, but I was convinced to just to do it now.  It was my husband who convinced me to do it while we were there.  Of course, he didn't consider the effects that such an exam would have on me and blindly recommended it anyway.  I have a slight resentment with him about that now, but I'm working on processing it and moving on.   My state of mind this morning was awful, and I tried to tell my husband that, but before I could, he had already started a fight with me.  I was already dealing with anxiety off the charts and my heart was racing, so I know my POTS  was acting up, too.  My...