Ariel's Two Cents

 I had an awful start to my day, and it has left its mark on me.  I only slept for about 3 - 4 hours before I woke up with a bout of painsomnia, which is one of my most hated symptoms.  Painsomnia steals my sleep, my joy and my peace all in one swoop.  Today's episode was compliments of sleeping on my stomach, which causes severe back pain for me.  When I woke up, I could not feel my hips or parts of my legs.  I could not get up and out of bed to make my coffee, use the restroom, find my pain medication, or anything else that I might have needed at the time.  I did the only logical thing that one can do at 3 am in an emergency and I woke up my husband.  He begrudgingly got up and out of bed to help me.  Neither of us were in a particularly good mood at that ungodly hour, but he still made the coffee, got me my medication, then promptly went back to sleep.   Normally, I would spend the next few hours working on a writing project or s...

I did a "thing" yesterday and I need to write about it.  I have been seeing my therapist 2-3 times per week for over eight months, and I have never, not once, ever taken myself to and from the office alone.  Last week, Lori and I discussed the need for me to prove to myself that I can do this, so yesterday was the day that I tested myself with it.  It did not go wonderfully, like I had hoped, but I did survive, so there's that!  I went through a lot, mentally and emotionally, before I even left the house.   I woke up with my 6 am alarm and the first thought in my mind was, "How in the Hell am I going to make it there and back alone?"  I could not shake the thought from my brain to save my life.  My mind was intent on convincing me that every single thing that could go wrong, would go wrong.  These dark thoughts first thing in the morning prompted a panic attack of epic proportions and I am still reeling from it all.  I woke Michael up to...

Today has been a bad day for me, and I think writing about it might help me to process it.  I woke up in a lot of pain this morning.  I overdid it yesterday by going to my group therapy session, then running errands afterwards.  The meltdown first thing yesterday morning was not helpful for my spoons.  I use an app to track my spoons.  It's called Visible  and it uses your heart rate to track your activity level to help you not overdo it and cause a flare.  It also tracks your Morning Stability score by looking at vitals like your Heart Rate Variability (HRV) and Resting Heart Rate (RHR) to determine if you should have a rest day or if you have been pacing well.  This morning, it gave me a rating of 1/5 and asked me to be kind to myself today.  That should have told me to just crawl back in bed and forget all about this day.  I used more than double my allotted points yesterday, so I feel like today started with a massive deficit instead...

 My heart is racing.  My palms are sweaty.  I'm getting dizzy.  My knees feel weak.  My vision is getting darker.  I almost can't see anything in front of me.  I'm hyperventilating.  I can't breathe.  I need help.  These are the symptoms that I get anytime I'm having anxiety.  I have been struggling with this since I was a child, and it has never gotten any easier for me to deal with it.  You see, I have been through horrible situations that have traumatized me forever.  I've been in a shootout.  I've been kidnapped.  I've been sexually assaulted and abused.  I've been beaten by lovers and attacked by my haters.  I have plenty of reason for reacting the way that I do.  I have been fighting a battle in my head since the chaos began.  I am a warrior!  I will never give up. C-PTSD is the reason that I struggle with these symptoms.  PTSD causes some symptoms, but when a person has comp...

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was first mentioned to me back in early 2018 when I was seeking mental health services for my past trauma.  I had never heard of it, and I was still terrified to do anything about my trauma, so I just tucked it in the back of my mind for a later date.  That date came in 2023 when I was reading, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk.  The book had been gaining popularity and was constantly popping up on my social media, so I broke down and bought the book and I read it right away.  I am so grateful that I did.  When the author heard about EMDR, he thought it was just some mental health "fad" that was going to disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  He went to a person and decided to let them do the EMDR therapy on him.  He didn't believe that it was going to work, but he tried it using one trauma of his own from his lifetime.  He did the session, and it worked so well that he said ...