Ariel's Two Cents

Life with BPD has gotten...interesting...to say the least.  I have struggled with it quite a bit lately, but I'm working through it.  My symptoms have seemed a bit out of control lately and my splitting episodes have been frequent.  I did go three days without a split, but that streak ended this morning.  I have been triggered by several different things lately, and I am still learning how to cope with triggers and the splitting episodes that follow.  I have been a mess lately. I had a truly awful split on Sunday night.  It may have been the worst one yet.  I don't remember much about it now, just bits and pieces.  I know that it was so bad that it pushed my husband to snap.  It made him behave in a way that he has never done in the 18+ years that we have been together.  Michael is one of the least violent people I have ever known, but he was almost pushed past the point of no return that night.  I lost my ever-loving mind and was t...

 I'm not having the best day today.  Hell, I'm not having the best week of my life.  I think I need to write about it so that I can let it go.  Writing is usually very therapeutic for me.  I don't know why, but it's always been that way for me.  I've kept a journal since I was a small child.  I always wanted to be a writer, though not necessarily a "famous writer".  Now, I'm actually writing a book!  We'll see if it gets published. I've been feeling pretty down (physically) since Friday evening.  I slept well that night.  I got almost 9 hours of sleep and almost felt rested in the morning.  Unfortunately, that was the last decent night's sleep I've gotten.  Saturday and Sunday mornings, I woke up at 3 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take on the day.  I suspect a manic cycle coupled with painsomnia .  I was in pain each morning when I woke up at 3 am, so it makes sense that painsomnia had something to d...

 My mental health has been a wild ride lately.  As you likely know, I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) last month by my therapist, Lori.  The diagnosis has hit me pretty hard and I'm still struggling to deal with it.  I still can't even admit it to certain people.  Nobody understands what it's like to get hit with a diagnosis like this.  The realization that the trauma from my childhood permanently altered my personality is a hard pill to swallow, you know?  I haven't given up on myself yet, though, so I have that going for me. I've had a busy therapy schedule lately.  I've been going at least 4 times per week.  I have two groups with Lori and a one-on-one session every week.  Then, I have a relationship group with Angela, the other clinician that I work with.  Both of these therapists have been immensely helpful for my healing journey.  Lori is my trauma therapist, and she is amazing and teaches me lot...

 When you have a disease or condition like Scleroderma , you must keep up on yearly testing.  There are several different tests that are required for proper monitoring of the disease.  Yesterday, I completed my yearly echocardiogram at Pulse Heart Institute in Spokane, Washington.  Well, this test is supposed  to be done on a yearly basis, but I have extreme medical anxiety, so I waited four years to get it done after the first one.  Testing is difficult for me for many different reasons, the main one being I absolutely hate to be touched by anyone, for any purpose.   The echocardiogram was scheduled for 4 pm, after my therapy appointment.  I had two hours in between appointments, but I didn't have much to do, so we went and had a Frappuccino before we went to my echocardiogram appointment.  I used our coffee date as a time to prepare myself mentally for what I had to put myself through.  Any test that requires me to remove my clo...

 I have not had the best day, and I think that a venting session might be helpful.  My day was doomed from the very moment it started.  Actually.  That is not correct.  It was doomed when I had an awful night last night.  I was in an excruciating amount of pain and that was stopping me from sleeping.  I tossed and turned and begged for help for hours before I finally decided to take a clonazepam to help me sleep.  I rarely take those tablets.  I do not care for them at all, and they cause me cardiac distress the following day.  My doctor prescribes 10 of them at a time and that lasts me about 3 - 4 months.  I'm not even exaggerating.  I pick them up when I do my quarterly pain management appointments.  The clonazepam took until around 2 am to put me to sleep and when it did, I slept like the dead until my 6:30 am alarm woke me up.  I turned it off (without realizing that's what I did) and went back to sleep until my n...

 I've been in a dark place for a few days.  I haven't been able to find the words to write about it, so I'm going to try to do so now.  I may end up deleting this for the 5,430,503rd time this week.  Who knows... Back in 2021, I was seeing a psychiatrist through MultiCare.  She was treating me for bipolar disorder but apparently, she thought that I had BPD (borderline personality disorder) , also.  She never discussed it with me.  She simply wrote it in the notes of my medical chart, clearly not realizing that I read everything that has my name attached to it.  She never had a single conversation with me about the possibility of a new diagnosis.  It was sneaky and behind-my-back and I don't like people that move like that.  I need to be able to trust my providers to communicate with me when there is an issue.  I stopped seeing her after that incident and ran from that diagnosis ever since. Last month, my meltdowns started to become...

 The 4th of July has come and gone now and I'm ready to talk about it.  You see, the 4th of July is usually an awful day for me.  I have complex PTSD from years of trauma and abuse.  One of the many traumatic events I went through was what I call, "The Naked City Shooting", and it has been one of my biggest problems since the day of the shooting.  Immediately after the incident, the sound of fireworks would cause me to cry hysterically, much like a small child who is terrified of something.  It was embarrassing to live life this way, but what was I supposed to do?  How do you undo the damage of trauma?  If it was simple, therapists would not have a yearlong wait list to get services.   In anticipation of the noise, I typically take a clonazepam at around 6 or 7 pm on the night of the 4th of July.  The goal is to be so sedated that no noise wakes me up.  This usually does the trick, in conjunction with my other nighttime medic...

 I'm not having the best day, so I think a venting session is in order.  Nobody pissed me off this time, besides my pain levels.  I woke up this morning with a lot of joint and muscle pain.  I'm assuming that it's another Fibromyalgia flare and I hate those worse than the other types of flares that I get.  A Fibromyalgia flare is difficult for me to ascertain as the pain and other symptoms are exceedingly similar to a Scleroderma flare .  It's difficult to keep them all straight on flare days.  It's a sad existence because when one disease or condition is not flaring, there is always another condition starting a flare.  I never get a day off from my autoimmune life. I didn't go to sleep until late last night and I'm sure that is affecting my pain level.  My pain is always higher on days with less sleep.  My body seems to need at least 8 - 9 hours of sleep to combat my autoimmune diseases, but I rarely get that these days.  I have ...

 Today was supposed to be a big day in my healing journey, but that is not the way things went, after all.  I had an in-person therapy session scheduled for 1 pm today.  It was to be the first of many EMDR reprocessing sessions.  I have been terribly nervous about this all week long and it came to a head this morning.  I woke up with a lot of anxiety and could not use my anxiety medication due to the effects it will have on the EMDR.  This was hugely difficult for me this morning and part of the reason that I had started to melt down.  Michael was not as helpful as I had hoped that he would be, but I'll deal with him later.  After a calm conversation, he will likely be more understanding.  I hope so, anyway.  In the midst of me freaking out about not being able to take my medication, I got a text message from Lori letting me know that she needed to do our session from her home today, which meant online instead of in-person.  When I ...

 I'm getting closer and closer to reprocessing my trauma through EMDR.  I saw my therapist yesterday afternoon and it was a rough session for me.  Part of EMDR preparation is making a "Memory List", which is a list of all of your traumatic memories, measured several different ways.  It is compiled and when you start reprocessing, you refer back to this list.  I don't know much more than that as I have not yet entered that phase of EMDR.  I have been working with Lori for 9 months now, so I have grown to trust her.  I don't trust easily and me taking so long to trust her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my past trauma.  I have been working on this memory list since before Christmas last year and I have hated every second of it.  I hate having to tell my story.  I hate the embarrassment and humiliation that I feel when I have to tell another living soul what was done to me.  It's just awful, but if I must go throug...

I did a "thing" yesterday and I need to write about it.  I have been seeing my therapist 2-3 times per week for over eight months, and I have never, not once, ever taken myself to and from the office alone.  Last week, Lori and I discussed the need for me to prove to myself that I can do this, so yesterday was the day that I tested myself with it.  It did not go wonderfully, like I had hoped, but I did survive, so there's that!  I went through a lot, mentally and emotionally, before I even left the house.   I woke up with my 6 am alarm and the first thought in my mind was, "How in the Hell am I going to make it there and back alone?"  I could not shake the thought from my brain to save my life.  My mind was intent on convincing me that every single thing that could go wrong, would go wrong.  These dark thoughts first thing in the morning prompted a panic attack of epic proportions and I am still reeling from it all.  I woke Michael up to...

Today has been a bad day for me, and I think writing about it might help me to process it.  I woke up in a lot of pain this morning.  I overdid it yesterday by going to my group therapy session, then running errands afterwards.  The meltdown first thing yesterday morning was not helpful for my spoons.  I use an app to track my spoons.  It's called Visible  and it uses your heart rate to track your activity level to help you not overdo it and cause a flare.  It also tracks your Morning Stability score by looking at vitals like your Heart Rate Variability (HRV) and Resting Heart Rate (RHR) to determine if you should have a rest day or if you have been pacing well.  This morning, it gave me a rating of 1/5 and asked me to be kind to myself today.  That should have told me to just crawl back in bed and forget all about this day.  I used more than double my allotted points yesterday, so I feel like today started with a massive deficit instead...

 My heart is racing.  My palms are sweaty.  I'm getting dizzy.  My knees feel weak.  My vision is getting darker.  I almost can't see anything in front of me.  I'm hyperventilating.  I can't breathe.  I need help.  These are the symptoms that I get anytime I'm having anxiety.  I have been struggling with this since I was a child, and it has never gotten any easier for me to deal with it.  You see, I have been through horrible situations that have traumatized me forever.  I've been in a shootout.  I've been kidnapped.  I've been sexually assaulted and abused.  I've been beaten by lovers and attacked by my haters.  I have plenty of reason for reacting the way that I do.  I have been fighting a battle in my head since the chaos began.  I am a warrior!  I will never give up. C-PTSD is the reason that I struggle with these symptoms.  PTSD causes some symptoms, but when a person has comp...

 Making memories with my family has been critically important to me ever since that fateful day in 2018 where the rheumatologist told me that I was dying, slowly, but dying just the same.  I stopped living my life in some ways, but in others I have kicked it up a bit.  One way that we did that was by attending a rock concert over the weekend.  My husband got free tickets to see Buckcherry , and we took our oldest son with us.  The concert was held at Michael's place of employment, so we didn't have to go too far to make those memories.  We simply had to meet my husband after his shift ended and enjoy a family night together.  My youngest son stayed home and watched the house and the dogs for us, so I didn't have to worry about that.  (My dogs have severe separation anxiety , so I can't leave them alone for very long.)   Although I had a blast at the show, there were some moments that were very trying (and a bit triggering), but I ma...

I overdid it yesterday.  I am paying for it today.  This is life with chronic illness.  Most people don't have a clue of what it's like to live with a painful, energy-limiting illness like Scleroderma , POTS ,  Long Covid or chronic fatigue .  I have all four of those and struggle daily with the symptoms these diseases cause me.  I woke up in a flare so bad that I had to cancel my plans for today and I hate when that happens.  I hate to miss out on my trauma group because I learn so much in there, but some days, my health needs to be the priority.   I tend to feel guilty when I have to cancel plans.  It's frustrating that my body doesn't cooperate with me and it's also kind of embarrassing when it fails.  I choke on water and fall on flat ground.  I feel like a walking comedy show placed here for everyone else's entertainment.  I avoid going certain places because of these deficiencies.  I'm always afraid to agree to...

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was first mentioned to me back in early 2018 when I was seeking mental health services for my past trauma.  I had never heard of it, and I was still terrified to do anything about my trauma, so I just tucked it in the back of my mind for a later date.  That date came in 2023 when I was reading, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk.  The book had been gaining popularity and was constantly popping up on my social media, so I broke down and bought the book and I read it right away.  I am so grateful that I did.  When the author heard about EMDR, he thought it was just some mental health "fad" that was going to disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  He went to a person and decided to let them do the EMDR therapy on him.  He didn't believe that it was going to work, but he tried it using one trauma of his own from his lifetime.  He did the session, and it worked so well that he said ...

I finally had a chance to talk to my therapist about what went down at the doctor's office last week and the positive High-Risk HPV from that exam.  I don't know why, but I always feel so much better after talking to Lori.  She has a motherly energy, and I just love talking to her, no matter what we're talking about.  She's not judgmental in the least and almost always has a solution to whatever I am dealing with.  This time around, she may have a referral to a doctor that will help me get the hysterectomy.  I'll get more information about that later this week.   As part of my therapy, Lori asked me to tell her what happened at the doctor's office.  I struggled to verbalize it, which is not a new problem for me, unfortunately.  I was able to tell her about Michael deciding for me that I should just get the exam done while we were already there.  I told her about the doctor being kind enough to use lidocaine, although it was still painful...