Ariel's Two Cents

Life with BPD has gotten...interesting...to say the least.  I have struggled with it quite a bit lately, but I'm working through it.  My symptoms have seemed a bit out of control lately and my splitting episodes have been frequent.  I did go three days without a split, but that streak ended this morning.  I have been triggered by several different things lately, and I am still learning how to cope with triggers and the splitting episodes that follow.  I have been a mess lately. I had a truly awful split on Sunday night.  It may have been the worst one yet.  I don't remember much about it now, just bits and pieces.  I know that it was so bad that it pushed my husband to snap.  It made him behave in a way that he has never done in the 18+ years that we have been together.  Michael is one of the least violent people I have ever known, but he was almost pushed past the point of no return that night.  I lost my ever-loving mind and was t...

 My mental health has been a wild ride lately.  As you likely know, I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) last month by my therapist, Lori.  The diagnosis has hit me pretty hard and I'm still struggling to deal with it.  I still can't even admit it to certain people.  Nobody understands what it's like to get hit with a diagnosis like this.  The realization that the trauma from my childhood permanently altered my personality is a hard pill to swallow, you know?  I haven't given up on myself yet, though, so I have that going for me. I've had a busy therapy schedule lately.  I've been going at least 4 times per week.  I have two groups with Lori and a one-on-one session every week.  Then, I have a relationship group with Angela, the other clinician that I work with.  Both of these therapists have been immensely helpful for my healing journey.  Lori is my trauma therapist, and she is amazing and teaches me lot...

 I had an important appointment yesterday afternoon.  I met with my urogynecologist's Nurse Practitioner, Katrina Whipple.  It was my first time meeting with her, so my anxiety was through the roof.  In fact, my anxiety was so bad that I had a massive meltdown in the morning while trying to get ready for my day.  I knew that I was going to have to tell this doctor all about my past trauma, both sexual and medical.  Both forms of trauma are pertinent to this appointment as it affects Interstitial Cystitis in a big way.  Every time I have anxiety or get upset, I have an instant bladder flare.  It's like clockwork, every single time.   When the nurse was checking me in and doing my vitals, I let her know that my blood pressure might be elevated due to my medical anxiety and past trauma.  At that point, I told her some of the minor details of my abuse by medical providers.  She was very compassionate and had empathy for what I hav...

 The 4th of July has come and gone now and I'm ready to talk about it.  You see, the 4th of July is usually an awful day for me.  I have complex PTSD from years of trauma and abuse.  One of the many traumatic events I went through was what I call, "The Naked City Shooting", and it has been one of my biggest problems since the day of the shooting.  Immediately after the incident, the sound of fireworks would cause me to cry hysterically, much like a small child who is terrified of something.  It was embarrassing to live life this way, but what was I supposed to do?  How do you undo the damage of trauma?  If it was simple, therapists would not have a yearlong wait list to get services.   In anticipation of the noise, I typically take a clonazepam at around 6 or 7 pm on the night of the 4th of July.  The goal is to be so sedated that no noise wakes me up.  This usually does the trick, in conjunction with my other nighttime medic...

 Michael and I spent the better part of last night in the hospital.  He had gone to our primary care physician, Cassandra, and she wanted to send him to the emergency room via ambulance, but he would not allow that.  She did an EKG  at her office, and it showed atrial flutter , which needed medical attention right away.  Michael and I both have extreme medical anxiety, so this was a difficult situation for us.  Luckily, Cassandra understands our issues, so she sent a note to the emergency room so that they would know what to do with us.  I love our doctor.  She is so amazing.  As we were leaving, she gave me a hug and said, "Thank you for listening to my advice."  I hugged her back and told her, "Thank you."  Michael and I ran our errands, then headed to the hospital.  It took some convincing to get Michael to agree to go, but he finally came around to the idea.  He wanted to wait until Monday, but I knew that was not safe...

After last week's change of plans, Lori and I finally found the time to have my first EMDR reprocessing session.  We had to switch to a virtual session last time and I didn't want to do any reprocessing from home, just in case it flipped me out.  Lori didn't want to have a virtual session for EMDR, either, so there was no disagreement there.  Of course, there is never disagreement between Lori and me.  I trust her implicitly and for good reason. My reprocessing appointment was on Monday, and today is Wednesday.  When you have a reprocessing session, it "opens you up" and your brain continues to reprocess the trauma for the next 48 hours.  I have known this for quite some time as Lori has educated me about the process of EMDR, at least as much as she can without doing the actual therapy.  Most of it is easier to understand when you are going through it rather than when you are just learning about it.  Lori knows that I get anxiety quite easily, so ...