Ariel's Two Cents

 I'm not having the best day today.  Hell, I'm not having the best week of my life.  I think I need to write about it so that I can let it go.  Writing is usually very therapeutic for me.  I don't know why, but it's always been that way for me.  I've kept a journal since I was a small child.  I always wanted to be a writer, though not necessarily a "famous writer".  Now, I'm actually writing a book!  We'll see if it gets published. I've been feeling pretty down (physically) since Friday evening.  I slept well that night.  I got almost 9 hours of sleep and almost felt rested in the morning.  Unfortunately, that was the last decent night's sleep I've gotten.  Saturday and Sunday mornings, I woke up at 3 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take on the day.  I suspect a manic cycle coupled with painsomnia .  I was in pain each morning when I woke up at 3 am, so it makes sense that painsomnia had something to d...

 I have not had the best day, and I think that a venting session might be helpful.  My day was doomed from the very moment it started.  Actually.  That is not correct.  It was doomed when I had an awful night last night.  I was in an excruciating amount of pain and that was stopping me from sleeping.  I tossed and turned and begged for help for hours before I finally decided to take a clonazepam to help me sleep.  I rarely take those tablets.  I do not care for them at all, and they cause me cardiac distress the following day.  My doctor prescribes 10 of them at a time and that lasts me about 3 - 4 months.  I'm not even exaggerating.  I pick them up when I do my quarterly pain management appointments.  The clonazepam took until around 2 am to put me to sleep and when it did, I slept like the dead until my 6:30 am alarm woke me up.  I turned it off (without realizing that's what I did) and went back to sleep until my n...

 I've been in a dark place for a few days.  I haven't been able to find the words to write about it, so I'm going to try to do so now.  I may end up deleting this for the 5,430,503rd time this week.  Who knows... Back in 2021, I was seeing a psychiatrist through MultiCare.  She was treating me for bipolar disorder but apparently, she thought that I had BPD (borderline personality disorder) , also.  She never discussed it with me.  She simply wrote it in the notes of my medical chart, clearly not realizing that I read everything that has my name attached to it.  She never had a single conversation with me about the possibility of a new diagnosis.  It was sneaky and behind-my-back and I don't like people that move like that.  I need to be able to trust my providers to communicate with me when there is an issue.  I stopped seeing her after that incident and ran from that diagnosis ever since. Last month, my meltdowns started to become...

I did a "thing" yesterday and I need to write about it.  I have been seeing my therapist 2-3 times per week for over eight months, and I have never, not once, ever taken myself to and from the office alone.  Last week, Lori and I discussed the need for me to prove to myself that I can do this, so yesterday was the day that I tested myself with it.  It did not go wonderfully, like I had hoped, but I did survive, so there's that!  I went through a lot, mentally and emotionally, before I even left the house.   I woke up with my 6 am alarm and the first thought in my mind was, "How in the Hell am I going to make it there and back alone?"  I could not shake the thought from my brain to save my life.  My mind was intent on convincing me that every single thing that could go wrong, would go wrong.  These dark thoughts first thing in the morning prompted a panic attack of epic proportions and I am still reeling from it all.  I woke Michael up to...

 I'm not Christian, but like many non-religious households in America, we partake in certain elements of the traditions that most of us were a part of as children.  This is no different for my family.  This weekend was Easter Weekend, and although we did not attend any religious services, we did have a family get-together.  My son who has unofficially moved out, came home and brought his girlfriend with him.  We just love her to death, so this was not a problem at all!  I wasn't able to afford the traditional Easter meal, and the kids all wanted fried chicken instead, so I chose to "go with the flow" and make the meal that they all wanted.  I mean, it's not often that they all agree on anything, let alone the holiday meal, so I went with it.  Interestingly enough, "go with the flow" was my intention on Insight Timer yesterday, so it was fitting that the day went the way that it did.  I was given ample opportunity to utilize my intention for t...

 My heart is racing.  My palms are sweaty.  I'm getting dizzy.  My knees feel weak.  My vision is getting darker.  I almost can't see anything in front of me.  I'm hyperventilating.  I can't breathe.  I need help.  These are the symptoms that I get anytime I'm having anxiety.  I have been struggling with this since I was a child, and it has never gotten any easier for me to deal with it.  You see, I have been through horrible situations that have traumatized me forever.  I've been in a shootout.  I've been kidnapped.  I've been sexually assaulted and abused.  I've been beaten by lovers and attacked by my haters.  I have plenty of reason for reacting the way that I do.  I have been fighting a battle in my head since the chaos began.  I am a warrior!  I will never give up. C-PTSD is the reason that I struggle with these symptoms.  PTSD causes some symptoms, but when a person has comp...

 I'm doing a thing today and it's kind of scary, but I'm doing it anyway.  I am facing one of my biggest fears, which is being alone for any extended period of time.  This is one of my mental health goals that I am working on with my therapist, Lori.  I've been with her for 6 months now and this is the first time I have had a chance to try to be alone.  I know she's going to love to hear about this tomorrow during my one-on-one session with her. I had massive anxiety this morning that led to a meltdown before Michael left for work.  Any time that I have anxiety, I tend to nag and nitpick those around me, especially Michael.  I don't mean to do it, but once I get triggered, I can't figure out how to stop it.  The words just come out of my mouth.  It's awful and it makes me hate myself for the things that I say when I am triggered.  Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that, no matter what.  This is one of the many things that is on m...

My therapist and I are working on several different things and I'm working very hard to learn all the various skills, tools and techniques that will help me in life.  One of the things that we are working on is me learning to be alone and to go places by myself.  This particular skill is one that I have been unable to practice because my husband likes to go with me everywhere I go.  If he is not available to go somewhere, he insists on one of the boys going with me.  It's tedious and time-consuming for them to have to go everywhere with me.  They are teenagers and want to enjoy their lives, not be my personal security guards in life! I haven't lived alone in my entire adult life, so being alone is scary for me.  When traumatic things happened to me, they always happened when I was at home, alone, so my traumatized brain does not find safety or comfort in being home alone.  Things are even scarier when I have to go somewhere alone because I live near a ...

I woke with a startle this morning and that should have been my sign to go back to bed and forget all about this day.  My anxiety has been through the roof since my appointment on Monday.  I've had flashbacks on a loop ever since the pelvic exam that day.  Normally, I would have scheduled that appointment for a time when I could take an anxiety tablet beforehand, but I was convinced to just to do it now.  It was my husband who convinced me to do it while we were there.  Of course, he didn't consider the effects that such an exam would have on me and blindly recommended it anyway.  I have a slight resentment with him about that now, but I'm working on processing it and moving on.   My state of mind this morning was awful, and I tried to tell my husband that, but before I could, he had already started a fight with me.  I was already dealing with anxiety off the charts and my heart was racing, so I know my POTS  was acting up, too.  My...