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Yearly Scleroderma Testing: Pulmonary Function Test

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 On September 5th, I had a Pulmonary Function Test (PFT) to monitor for any lung involvement with my Scleroderma .  I am supposed to have this testing done at least once a year, but I waited over four years to get it done again.  When I got it done last time, back in 2021, the respiratory therapist was absolutely awful to me.  She was rude and disrespectful and did not have any care or concern for my issues.  I dreaded going back to the same office for this test, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it was a completely different respiratory therapist performing the test this time.   When Nina, the respiratory therapist, came to get us for my test, I started our interchange by advocating for myself, which is exceedingly difficult for me to do, but I persevered, just the same.  I explained to her that I have a lot of anxiety, claustrophobia, mental issues and past medical and sexual trauma.  I further explained that I am not trying to be dif...
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Splitting Again: A BPD Venting Post

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Life with BPD has gotten...interesting...to say the least.  I have struggled with it quite a bit lately, but I'm working through it.  My symptoms have seemed a bit out of control lately and my splitting episodes have been frequent.  I did go three days without a split, but that streak ended this morning.  I have been triggered by several different things lately, and I am still learning how to cope with triggers and the splitting episodes that follow.  I have been a mess lately. I had a truly awful split on Sunday night.  It may have been the worst one yet.  I don't remember much about it now, just bits and pieces.  I know that it was so bad that it pushed my husband to snap.  It made him behave in a way that he has never done in the 18+ years that we have been together.  Michael is one of the least violent people I have ever known, but he was almost pushed past the point of no return that night.  I lost my ever-loving mind and was t...
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An Unexpected but Necessary Rest Day: A Mental Health Venting Post

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 I'm not having the best day today.  Hell, I'm not having the best week of my life.  I think I need to write about it so that I can let it go.  Writing is usually very therapeutic for me.  I don't know why, but it's always been that way for me.  I've kept a journal since I was a small child.  I always wanted to be a writer, though not necessarily a "famous writer".  Now, I'm actually writing a book!  We'll see if it gets published. I've been feeling pretty down (physically) since Friday evening.  I slept well that night.  I got almost 9 hours of sleep and almost felt rested in the morning.  Unfortunately, that was the last decent night's sleep I've gotten.  Saturday and Sunday mornings, I woke up at 3 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take on the day.  I suspect a manic cycle coupled with painsomnia .  I was in pain each morning when I woke up at 3 am, so it makes sense that painsomnia had something to d...
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Yearly Scleroderma Testing: HRCT Scan

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 As you know, I have been working on getting all of my yearly Scleroderma tests done and taken care of.  It's not been easy for me to get these done with my extreme medical anxiety.  The most "normal" test will give me days and days of anxiety, even if I know it's going to be a simple and painless procedure.  Poor Michael doesn't know how to calm my anxiety down, so he does nothing at all, which makes it a bit worse.  At least he tries to be there for me.  That's more than some people in my life will do for me. The HRCT scan was scheduled for August 15th.  I had to reschedule it several times over the last month due to my anxiety and scheduling conflicts.  I finally got it done on that date.  It was a day that I had therapy group prior to my scheduled test.  I went to group and hardly said a word the entire time, mainly because my anxiety was through the roof.  I'm good at masking, so most people don't even know to ask me if I'm o...
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A Wild Ride: A Mental Health Update Post

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 My mental health has been a wild ride lately.  As you likely know, I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) last month by my therapist, Lori.  The diagnosis has hit me pretty hard and I'm still struggling to deal with it.  I still can't even admit it to certain people.  Nobody understands what it's like to get hit with a diagnosis like this.  The realization that the trauma from my childhood permanently altered my personality is a hard pill to swallow, you know?  I haven't given up on myself yet, though, so I have that going for me. I've had a busy therapy schedule lately.  I've been going at least 4 times per week.  I have two groups with Lori and a one-on-one session every week.  Then, I have a relationship group with Angela, the other clinician that I work with.  Both of these therapists have been immensely helpful for my healing journey.  Lori is my trauma therapist, and she is amazing and teaches me lot...
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Yearly Scleroderma Testing: ECHOCARDIOGRAM

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 When you have a disease or condition like Scleroderma , you must keep up on yearly testing.  There are several different tests that are required for proper monitoring of the disease.  Yesterday, I completed my yearly echocardiogram at Pulse Heart Institute in Spokane, Washington.  Well, this test is supposed  to be done on a yearly basis, but I have extreme medical anxiety, so I waited four years to get it done after the first one.  Testing is difficult for me for many different reasons, the main one being I absolutely hate to be touched by anyone, for any purpose.   The echocardiogram was scheduled for 4 pm, after my therapy appointment.  I had two hours in between appointments, but I didn't have much to do, so we went and had a Frappuccino before we went to my echocardiogram appointment.  I used our coffee date as a time to prepare myself mentally for what I had to put myself through.  Any test that requires me to remove my clo...
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Lost and Confused: A Mental Health Venting Post

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 I have not had the best day, and I think that a venting session might be helpful.  My day was doomed from the very moment it started.  Actually.  That is not correct.  It was doomed when I had an awful night last night.  I was in an excruciating amount of pain and that was stopping me from sleeping.  I tossed and turned and begged for help for hours before I finally decided to take a clonazepam to help me sleep.  I rarely take those tablets.  I do not care for them at all, and they cause me cardiac distress the following day.  My doctor prescribes 10 of them at a time and that lasts me about 3 - 4 months.  I'm not even exaggerating.  I pick them up when I do my quarterly pain management appointments.  The clonazepam took until around 2 am to put me to sleep and when it did, I slept like the dead until my 6:30 am alarm woke me up.  I turned it off (without realizing that's what I did) and went back to sleep until my n...
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