EMDR: My Journey So Far

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was first mentioned to me back in early 2018 when I was seeking mental health services for my past trauma.  I had never heard of it, and I was still terrified to do anything about my trauma, so I just tucked it in the back of my mind for a later date.  That date came in 2023 when I was reading, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk.  The book had been gaining popularity and was constantly popping up on my social media, so I broke down and bought the book and I read it right away.  I am so grateful that I did.  When the author heard about EMDR, he thought it was just some mental health "fad" that was going to disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  He went to a person and decided to let them do the EMDR therapy on him.  He didn't believe that it was going to work, but he tried it using one trauma of his own from his lifetime.  He did the session, and it worked so well that he said he needed to get trained in EMDR immediately.  As soon as I read those words, I was on a desperate search for someone to help me find an EMDR specialist.  I knew that it was my only hope, so I sought out Revive Spokane and the rest is history.  I am now 6 months into my healing journey with Lori and it has been the biggest blessing of my life, so far.

There are eight phases of EMDR, and I am only on phase two.  Lori and I are taking it slowly because I came in with little to no coping or stress management skills.  I was easily upset and couldn't even tell the stories of what had happened to me.  I was in a dark place, mentally, and I was completely honest with her about everything, so she knew to use "kid gloves" on me.  I was struggling with emotional dysregulation on a daily basis when I first came to therapy with Lori.  We decided early on that we were going to go very slowly and carefully to make sure we didn't initiate a meltdown or breakdown.  This is a major fear of mine.  Very few people have ever seen me having a meltdown, and I want to keep it that way.  I don't ever want my therapist to see me like that, but I know that if she did see me like that, she would be able to help me with it and I would let her.  That's the important part.  There are many people who would love to help me, but I don't allow them to.  I got to a point with Lori a long time ago where I knew that I could trust her to help me with my trauma and other issues.  I don't trust easily, so trusting Lori was huge for me.  I recognized that if I didn't force myself to learn to trust others to help me, my healing journey would not get anywhere, and I desperately wanted to be healed.  

My meltdowns are embarrassing to experience and just as embarrassing to discuss, but they are a part of the bigger picture of what's going on with my life and mental health.  When I get upset, I tend to lose control of myself.  I spiral very quickly.  I go from laughing and smiling one minute, to cussing people out, yelling, screaming, banging my head, punching walls and doors and hitting anyone who comes within three feet of me.  Why do I do this?  Honestly, I have no clue.  I wish that I did know why I did this because then I might have a better chance of stopping it from happening again.  I hate myself after I have one of these violent meltdowns.  I feel like a small child throwing a fit, except I'm a 41-year-old woman who has no excuse for behaving in such a way.  My meltdowns happen in public and in private, although the private meltdowns are much worse.  Michael always gets angry with me for having a meltdown in public, as if I have the choice in where I lose control.  It's frustrating to me that he has no compassion, empathy or understanding of what I go through.  It feels like I don't have his support sometimes and that makes me incredibly sad.  Michael has also had meltdowns and not been able to control himself, so he should never judge me for doing the same, yet he does.  I don't judge him for the occasional meltdown that he has, so why does he feel so righteous in judging me?  These are questions that I desperately need answers to.  

As I said, Lori and I are only on phase two of EMDR because she is cautious due to my unique circumstances.  I agree with her wholeheartedly in making this decision.  There is someone, however, who is not on-board with us and that would be my husband.  He thinks that after 6 months we should already be reprocessing, but we are not there yet.  He yells at me about this at least once a week, as if he should be in control of the timeline of my healing journey.  It frustrates me to no end, but he doesn't seem to care.  He has it in his head that we are taking too long and there is no convincing him otherwise.  My husband is very stubborn and hard-headed and won't believe me, no matter what I say, so I gave up and just try to avoid the arguments about the timeline, if I can.  

Sometimes, I wonder if my husband is trying to sabotage my healing journey so that it wouldn't require him to miss so much time at work.  I hate that I think like that, but I also hate that he has said things that have made me feel this way.  I don't know what else to do besides start thinking about whether this marriage is really worth it to me anymore.  I love my husband dearly, but I do not love the way he treats me and I'm sure he doesn't love the way I treat him, either.  We have both become very toxic to each other, but neither one of us will let go of the other one so that we can move on.  I don't even know why we're holding on anymore, but we're both doing it.  Something's got to give because I will walk away from my marriage before I give up on my healing journey.  That would be an easy decision for me, I'm sad to say.  I have waited for over 30 years to heal some of my trauma.  I'm not going to give up now that I have the perfect therapist to lead me on this journey.  I would be a fool to walk away from this opportunity.  This is my only chance at having a decent life.  Why would anyone walk away from that?

I've been married to my husband for 17 years last week.  My marriage means the world to me.  I am a dying woman, so wasted time really upsets me.  I don't have any extra time to waste.  I would much rather pour my heart and soul into fixing this marriage than to walk away from it, but if my healing comes down to that choice, I will walk away for my own sanity.  For my entire life, I have been taking care of other people and sacrificing my own needs.  I cannot and will not continue to do that to myself any longer.  I deserve better than that and if I don't stand up for my own worth, nobody else will, either.  Hopefully, Michael will get the hint that we need to work on this, so that we can walk into forever, together.  

Gods help us both...