Bad News Visits: An Update Post

I got some bad news today and although it's terribly personal, I feel I must share it here.  This is my blog, after all, and the sole reason I created it was to have somewhere to put all of the updates and concerns in my autoimmune life.  I got a big one today and I am not coping with it at all!  Here goes nothing...

You probably remember me writing about the pelvic exam and pap smear on Monday.  The test results came in today and it's not terrible, but it's not good either.  I tested positive for High-Risk HPV - again!  This is a battle that I have been having since 2003, when I was 19 years old.  I have only had two normal pap smears in my entire life and that was in 2017 and 2020.  I had the LEEP procedure in 2012 and that was supposed to "cure" it.  I use the word "cure" cautiously as there is so much attached to the word.  Until today, I didn't know that it could "resurface" as my doctor put it.  

I have had an extensive gynecological history, and my current primary care doctor was unaware of most of it until today.  I only started seeing her in 2020 and my High-Risk HPV was seemingly gone at the time.  In 2012, I was having pain during intercourse, so I went to the doctor.  He decided to do five different surgeries on me at the same time.  I had a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, D&C, endometrial ablation and the LEEP procedure which would also include a biopsy of a growth within my cervix that was too deep to biopsy in the office, so we had to go under anesthesia to do it all.  The doctor also planned to check my bladder to see if that might have been the cause of my pain during intercourse.  On the day of the surgeries, he chose not to check my bladder, but suspected Interstitial Cystitis at the 6-week check-up.  It took eight more years to get an actual diagnosis of Interstitial Cystitis.  I lived with chronic, excruciating pain for all of those years in-between.  

My primary care doctor's advice is to retest in a year, then go to the gynecologist if it's still positive.  Of course, she made this recommendation under the impression that this was my first positive HPV test, which it is absolutely not.  I asked her if she would help me find a doctor to give me a hysterectomy.  She told me to get the name of a doctor that will do it, and she will send the referral straight over to them.  Now, I am on a mission to find a good gynecologist that listens to their patients and doesn't gaslight women.  This could be quite the chore, but I think I know of some girls to reach out to.  

My medical anxiety is through the roof thinking about everything that I'm going to have to go through to get this taken care of, if I can even find a doctor willing to give me a hysterectomy.  I tend to freak out about every diagnosis, test, procedure, surgery, etc.  I have severe medical anxiety from being sexually abused by male doctors in my teens.  I have an extremely difficult time seeing any male doctors because of my history of trauma and abuse.  I don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this.  I'm a warrior, but I am tired... and scared!

Gods help me!