Growth, Change and Progress: A Mental Health Post

My therapist and I are working on several different things and I'm working very hard to learn all the various skills, tools and techniques that will help me in life.  One of the things that we are working on is me learning to be alone and to go places by myself.  This particular skill is one that I have been unable to practice because my husband likes to go with me everywhere I go.  If he is not available to go somewhere, he insists on one of the boys going with me.  It's tedious and time-consuming for them to have to go everywhere with me.  They are teenagers and want to enjoy their lives, not be my personal security guards in life!

I haven't lived alone in my entire adult life, so being alone is scary for me.  When traumatic things happened to me, they always happened when I was at home, alone, so my traumatized brain does not find safety or comfort in being home alone.  Things are even scarier when I have to go somewhere alone because I live near a big city with drugs, gangs and violence on every corner.  It's close to an interstate and near the border of Idaho, so kidnapping and human trafficking are an issue out here.  All of these various elements add up to one scared woman.  Somehow, I must learn to be and do things alone.  It's part of the healing journey.  

My main goal with therapy (besides healing my trauma, obviously), is to get to a place in life where I am independent and self-sufficient, at least as much as possible.  This has been the most difficult goal that I have set for myself through therapy with Lori.  I try to work toward it each week, but Michael never lets me out the door alone.  Sometimes, I don't bother to argue with him about it, but other times I say what's on my mind.  Each time, he still chooses to go with me.  I don't know how I am ever going to meet this goal if he won't cooperate with me.  He's making it impossible to make progress in some areas of my life and I desperately need him to stop that.  I need support, not obstacles.  I need love, not confrontation each time I attempt something new and scary.  These things are terrifying for me.  I'm not doing this to be disrespectful to my husband or to go anywhere I'm not supposed to.  I just want to learn that I can do hard things by myself and that he is there to support me, no matter what.  I do not feel supported by him right now, so this entire situation has become a big frustration for me.  I don't know how to get through to him on this issue.  If anyone is a husband whisperer, I'm all ears!

I know that Michael is coming from a place of genuine care and concern, but the outcome is not such.  The outcome is one where he looks like a controlling and domineering husband, which he's really not.  He has his moments, and I accuse him of such, but he's not all that bad.  I've never been in physical danger with him, and he saved me from domestic violence and abuse, so that has to say something about him.  In almost 19 years together, he has never hit me, not even once, so I'm safe.  Now, he has a habit of hurting my feelings, but that's a whole different story for another place and time.  The point is that I appreciate the fact that he worries about me and that he cares if something bad happens to me, but I need him to help me meet this particular goal.  He is the one that needs to let go so that I can do this.  I need to know that I can do this.  

There was one day that Michael dropped me off at group before he went to work, then I was responsible for getting myself home from Revive.  I did quite well for being by myself, but that was only halfway there.  I need to know that I can do the entire trip alone.  You have to understand that it takes three buses to get to Revive from my house, then three more buses to get home.  If I have to run any errands in town, that's even more buses and more people that I have to take the risks of being around.  Part of my C-PTSD is that I think everyone out there is a threat.  Every man I see is a rapist.  Logically, I know that is not true, but when I am in "flight or fight" these are the things that I believe to be true.  I thought this was just a "me thing" until I read, "The Body Keep the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk.  He talked about this in the book, and I felt so seen and understood for the first time in my life.  That book truly saved my life when it sent me running to therapy and begging for EMDR treatment.  From there, I have learned some amazing things and met some wonderful people who are truly becoming my friends.  I love my therapist, too.  She is the best therapist that I have ever had.  She understands me on a level that nobody else does, both with prior trauma and chronic illnesses affecting mental health conditions.  No therapist has ever understood both aspects of my life as perfectly well as Lori does.  I genuinely believe that it was divine intervention that got me on her caseload.  I remain grateful that I am able to work with her.  It has been the biggest blessing in my life to finally get somewhere with my healing journey, especially after all these years of trying to heal on my own and with the wrong therapists.  I go to therapy with a smile on my face, knowing it's going to be a good day (usually).  

I love my husband dearly and our marriage is extremely important to me, but so is my healing journey.  The only chance I have at a good life is if I heal from my trauma.  EMDR seems to be the way to do it.  It has been highly recommended by many people that I have spoken with.  I started with a different therapist, Yasmin, when I first came to Revive for services.  I was on the waiting list for quite a while, and Yasmin was the first person I really talked to after going there.  She was the nicest and sweetest thing ever.  I loved working with her.  I wrote her a letter after our first visit and I opened up to her about all of my trauma and my interest in seeking EMDR therapy, and she knew that she needed to get me different help than she was able to offer me.  I respect her eternally for that decision.  She spoke with her supervisor (with my permission), and they decided to refer me to Lori.  I wasn't too sure about it at first, but once I met Lori in-person, we clicked instantly, and I knew I was in the right place - finally!  The rest is history.  Now, I'm 6 months into my journey with Lori and I'm making great progress in all the other areas, except becoming independent and self-sufficient.  I have learned enough skills, tools and techniques to effectively keep myself safe while I am alone.  It's time to show the rest of the world that I can do it.  

Gods help me... and Gods help my husband if he stands in my way!  Ha!