Healing, Progress and Growth: A Mental Health Post

I finally had a chance to talk to my therapist about what went down at the doctor's office last week and the positive High-Risk HPV from that exam.  I don't know why, but I always feel so much better after talking to Lori.  She has a motherly energy, and I just love talking to her, no matter what we're talking about.  She's not judgmental in the least and almost always has a solution to whatever I am dealing with.  This time around, she may have a referral to a doctor that will help me get the hysterectomy.  I'll get more information about that later this week.  

As part of my therapy, Lori asked me to tell her what happened at the doctor's office.  I struggled to verbalize it, which is not a new problem for me, unfortunately.  I was able to tell her about Michael deciding for me that I should just get the exam done while we were already there.  I told her about the doctor being kind enough to use lidocaine, although it was still painful for me.  I told her about how I cried when it hurt my vagina.  All of that was exceedingly difficult to articulate, and there is so much more that I couldn't even put into words.  So many emotions and flashbacks from one quick exam that lasted no longer than a few minutes.  My doctor saw me having a flashback at the end of it and that really bothered me because I can usually hide them better than that.  The entire process was just so embarrassing, humiliating and degrading.  The fact that my preference and comfort were not a priority to my husband has caused a major rift between us.  I have considered going to my doctor's appointments alone from now on, at least when I go to see Cassandra because I am comfortable with her (for the most part).  He doesn't like me saying that he is not invited, but it is my choice, and I just might have to remind him who is actually in control here.  While I was telling all of this to Lori, she never once made me feel shame, embarrassment, humiliation or degradation.  It was an embarrassing situation to talk about, but I was not ashamed.  That's new and different for me.  Something is changing, healing and growing.  I am here for it!

After discussing what happened at the doctor, we discussed some other things going on in my life.  There were different updates to give her and progress notes about the tools, skills and techniques that I am learning.  Lori asked me about the coping mechanisms that I have been using, and I was able to list several of them for her.  I told her I am using meditation, music, breathing exercises, the anchor and the container, which in my case is a trunk with a brass lock on it.  She wrote that all down for the notes, then we moved on to working on other things.  Lori knows that I am a writer, and that art is difficult for me, so she is incorporating writing into my therapy now which I think is freaking amazing!  She had me write two prompts on my computer (the session was virtual) and then email them to her.  I wrote about feelings and emotions and what would happen if I allowed myself to feel them.  It was extremely introspective for me.  My mind has been wandering back to those two prompts quite a bit.  It has provoked me to ask myself further questions about it.  I love it when that happens.  I love to pensively ponder the world around me.  

All-in-all, I would say that our session was a very good one for me.  I got some things off my chest and was able to make sense out of everything spiraling in my head.  It gets dark in there very quickly, so I must be careful about how far I let it go.  This session didn't include talking about my past trauma, which can be very triggering for me, and I'm glad we didn't add that on top of an already stressed-out mind and body.  Lori never pushes me too far or too fast.  In fact, that is one of my favorite things about her.  I feel safe with her because she doesn't push me any more than I can handle.  Other therapists before her have done exactly that and it just didn't help me.  It causes me to freeze and stop coming to appointments.  Any progress that has been made would have been lost.  Then, I must start all over with a new therapist.  I took a 2-year break before I started working with Lori.  I just couldn't do it after the last two therapists dumped me unexpectedly.  I was traumatized by it, in a way.  I was devastated and did not want to start all over with a new therapist, but when I started to hit rock bottom, emotionally, I knew that it was time to beg for help.  I have not regretted that decision yet. Finding Lori and starting to work with her was the best decision I have made in a long time.  So many things in my life are better now that I am in therapy.  Don't get me wrong - I still have a long way to go, but I am finally making progress and that is all that matters to me right now.