Life with C-PTSD: A Mental Health Venting Post

 My heart is racing.  My palms are sweaty.  I'm getting dizzy.  My knees feel weak.  My vision is getting darker.  I almost can't see anything in front of me.  I'm hyperventilating.  I can't breathe.  I need help.  These are the symptoms that I get anytime I'm having anxiety.  I have been struggling with this since I was a child, and it has never gotten any easier for me to deal with it.  You see, I have been through horrible situations that have traumatized me forever.  I've been in a shootout.  I've been kidnapped.  I've been sexually assaulted and abused.  I've been beaten by lovers and attacked by my haters.  I have plenty of reason for reacting the way that I do.  I have been fighting a battle in my head since the chaos began.  I am a warrior!  I will never give up.

C-PTSD is the reason that I struggle with these symptoms.  PTSD causes some symptoms, but when a person has complex trauma, there are physical symptoms that do not exist in PTSD that they must contend with.  A person with complex trauma might exhibit the signs of emotional dysregulation, issues with identity and sense of self, and problems with relationships.  It's really a lot to cope with when you think about it.  C-PTSD is closely related to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), as well as the typical PTSD that we see in soldiers and other trauma survivors.  In fact, my last psychiatrist was unable to determine whether my diagnosis was C-PTSD or BPD.  When I started seeing Lori, that was one of the questions that I had posed to her.  Over time, she was able to determine the diagnosis is C-PTSD, rather than BPD.  I was quite relieved to learn that it was not BPD.  There is just such a stigma surrounding BPD that it's difficult to get a fair chance in life with such a diagnosis.  I already live with enough stigma.  I didn't want to add more stigma to my already overly full plate.  

Being or going anywhere alone has been a major problem for me for a very long time now.  I have struggled with not wanting to be alone for decades, not just years.  Either my husband of one of my sons goes with me everywhere or stays at home to look after me because I do not feel safe alone.  Many different, awful things have happened while I was home alone to lead to this excessive fear of being alone.  Recently, I had made some progress in these areas, and I have been somewhat proud of myself for all of my hard work.  Today, some of that progress was lost.  My husband and sons all had errands to run and work to get to, so I was home alone today.  Some of my younger son's "friends" came to the door and sounded like they were going to beat down the door.  I didn't want to answer it, but I thought it might be law enforcement or someone official until I heard them taunting my son by his name.  I opened the door with my knife in hand and told them to get the f*** off of my porch.  At that point, they started calling me names and made threats against me.  My anxiety immediately shot off the chart, it was so high.  I called my husband and my sons to let them know what was going on.  Luckily, the kids didn't stick around for too long.  I think they were afraid that I was going to call the Police.  Lucky for them, I never call the Police.  I was kidnapped by a cop back in 2006, so I just don't trust them at all anymore, especially in this small, rural town we live in.  

When I am experiencing anxiety or panic attacks (like I did when things were going wrong today), I typically have trouble calming myself down.  Today, however, things were different.  As soon as I got triggered, I went into safety mode, which was removing the threat by telling them to get off of my porch.  Once the threat was no longer active, I was able to do my breathing exercises, and I also paced back and forth from my kitchen to my living room.  Lori has told me that once you are in your "lower brain", logic and reason are not functioning.  You can't make decisions until after you are out of your lower brain.  The only two things that I know of to calm me down are breathing and movement, so that is exactly what I chose to do.  It didn't take very long and I'm grateful for that.  I'm quite upset that something bad happened while I was alone because I know that is going to set me back on reaching the goal of being comfortable while at home alone, but I am still grateful that I was able to regulate my emotions as well as I did.  I should absolutely be proud of myself right now and I am.  Honestly, I'm a little embarrassed that I had as much trouble as I did.  At 41 years old, I should be able to handle my emotions better than this!  Sigh...  Life with C-PTSD can be interesting, that's for sure.  

The old me would have had one Hell of a meltdown and went off on everyone for the remainder of the day.  The new me, however, will not behave that way.  The new me uses her tools, skills and techniques from therapy sessions and applies them to her life.  Therapy is just a waste of time when you refuse to apply the lessons to your life.  Talk therapy on its own never got me very far in my healing journey, but working with Lori has given me a better opportunity to learn and grow.  I am extremely grateful for her wisdom and guidance in my life.  She has now taught me enough that what would have been a major incident was just a minor irritation, and I have now gone back to enjoying the rest of my day.  Compared to the old me, this feels like a miracle.  I almost want to go and celebrate this moment.  

Stay blessed, y'all...