Making Memories: Our Easter Sunday Family Get-Together

 I'm not Christian, but like many non-religious households in America, we partake in certain elements of the traditions that most of us were a part of as children.  This is no different for my family.  This weekend was Easter Weekend, and although we did not attend any religious services, we did have a family get-together.  My son who has unofficially moved out, came home and brought his girlfriend with him.  We just love her to death, so this was not a problem at all!  I wasn't able to afford the traditional Easter meal, and the kids all wanted fried chicken instead, so I chose to "go with the flow" and make the meal that they all wanted.  I mean, it's not often that they all agree on anything, let alone the holiday meal, so I went with it.  Interestingly enough, "go with the flow" was my intention on Insight Timer yesterday, so it was fitting that the day went the way that it did.  I was given ample opportunity to utilize my intention for the day.  

The best part of family get-togethers (to me) is the "top brain" moments that I get to enjoy.  The brain states are something that Lori is teaching me in my therapy sessions, so this is extremely pertinent to my healing journey.  I am still learning about them, and I am also trying to learn how to recognize when I have gone into either "middle brain" or "lizard brain", which is not where you want to be.  The goal is to keep yourself in "top brain" as often as possible.  Unfortunately for me, I rarely get "top brain" moments in my life, so when they do come around, I tend to enjoy them as mindfully as I possibly can.  I'm struggling to learn how to bring myself out of "middle brain" and "lizard brain".  It is exceedingly difficult for me.  I have so many emotions at any given moment that I don't even know how to process or articulate them to another human being.  I can write about it just fine, but I cannot talk about it.  This is another one of my goals that I'm working on with Lori.  My goal list is long, but at least I have an amazing therapist that seems to be able to handle me (so far).  We have not started reprocessing my trauma yet, so that may change once it happens, but for now, I have full faith that she can handle me and all of my issues.  

I may have had an incredibly wonderful time with my family, but cooking such a large meal has taken a toll on my body and left me with nearly debilitating levels of pain.  Everything is flared today, and I am in literal Hell.  I have a therapy session scheduled with Lori for today, but I am going to have to do it virtually.  There is just no way that I can take 6 buses there and back home with the pain that I am in.  I know that she will understand my need to do so.  She understands chronic illness and chronic pain better than any therapist that I have ever had.  Lori has been caregiver to a chronic pain patient, so she has seen firsthand what we go through.  I always tell her that she is "uniquely qualified" to be my therapist because of her past experience.  I know the Universe put her on my path for a reason.  I have felt it since the first day we met.  

This Easter was my youngest son's last Easter as a minor, so he wanted what he declared would be his "last Easter basket".  Of course, I went along with it and built them each a basket.  What he doesn't know is that this will not be the last one that he gets.  My older son is almost 19 and he got one, too.  If my almost 23-year-old daughter was here, she would have gotten one, too!  I don't let traditions die just because we are getting older.  If anything, that is when they matter the most.  Once I have grandchildren, the focus will be on them, but their parents will not be left out of any traditions.  Maybe I'm just weird?  I also don't understand parents who countdown to their children are 18 years old so that they no longer have any legal obligations to take care of them.  I'm the polar opposite of that.  My kids can come back home at any age and for any reason.  My responsibilities, love and obligations do not stop at a certain age.  For as long as I breathe, I will do whatever I can do take care of them in whatever ways they might need.  I can't imagine being any different as a parent.

I'm not going to live forever.  We already know that I won't likely live long.  I have been terminally ill since I was 34 years old.  This is a fact that I have come to terms with (for the most part).  I try to make as many memories with my children as I possibly can.  I want them to have the best memories to carry them through the grief that will undoubtedly follow my death.  It sucks that I have to think about these things and have these types of conversations with my children and husband already, but I am learning to deal with it.  I have always been completely honest with my kids.  I told them about my diagnosis the same day that I went to the doctor and was informed.  I never wanted them to be surprised or angry for not being included, so I have included them every step of the way.  Because of this, they mindfully make memories with me, too, because they know that one day soon, memories will be all that they have left.  Having the ability to plan for an early death is the only good thing to come out of my diagnosis while I was still so young.  We have been able to plan everything because we have been gifted with the time and knowledge so that we can act accordingly.  There are blessings, even in the midst of chaos and heartache.  We must always look for them, even when it's difficult to do so.

Stay blessed, y'all!