Making Memories: Our Night at the Concert

 Making memories with my family has been critically important to me ever since that fateful day in 2018 where the rheumatologist told me that I was dying, slowly, but dying just the same.  I stopped living my life in some ways, but in others I have kicked it up a bit.  One way that we did that was by attending a rock concert over the weekend.  My husband got free tickets to see Buckcherry, and we took our oldest son with us.  The concert was held at Michael's place of employment, so we didn't have to go too far to make those memories.  We simply had to meet my husband after his shift ended and enjoy a family night together.  My youngest son stayed home and watched the house and the dogs for us, so I didn't have to worry about that.  (My dogs have severe separation anxiety, so I can't leave them alone for very long.)  

Although I had a blast at the show, there were some moments that were very trying (and a bit triggering), but I made it through everything and was even stronger for it.  I reached a moment right before Buckcherry came out on stage where I was having a flashback and a panic attack at the same time.  AC/DC music triggers me because it's the favorite band of one of my abusers.  It feels like the soundtrack to my abuse, so I avoid it at all costs.  They played one of their more popular songs while waiting for the band to come out and it was so loud that there was no way to block it out.  Headphones just won't help at a concert.  I used my anchor tool and when that didn't work, I used some calming self-talk and affirmations of safety to get me through it.  Luckily, the song only lasted a few minutes, then the band came out and the moment was forgotten.  Michael noticed that I was struggling, but for once, he didn't try to touch me to calm me down (that never works).  I also had a few different moments where my claustrophobia was kicking into high gear, but I was able to meditate my way through it.  It was, however, extremely difficult, but I still did it.  It was great practice for me trying to use my skills and tools with so much sensory input around me.  I would not say that I passed that test, but I also would not say that it was a failure.   

In the past, I have had a difficult time going to live social events with crowds involved.  This has been an ongoing problem for me for a very long time.  I couldn't even go to the movie, "Wicked" last year and I wanted to see it so badly that we tried to go three different times, but I had a hyperventilating panic attack each and every time that we tried to go.  I felt so bad for wasting my husband's time, but he never made me feel bad about it.  He just accepted that it was one of those things that I just can't do right now.  I'm hoping that I can do better the next time that we try to go to a movie theater.  Michael likes to go on dates to the movies.  I don't want to keep depriving him of that.  I want him to be able to enjoy things in life, even if I'm not able to.  I don't want to be the one that brings him down in life.  I worry about this incessantly and harbor intense amounts of guilt over the life that he has already lost due to my mental and physical health issues.  

When I am going through difficult, but fun things in life, I like to focus on the memories that we are making.  When something is scary, but fun, it's easy to forget some of the bad things that have happened.  If I can just get myself to calm down for a few minutes, I can generally turn things around for myself and whoever I am at the event with.  Memories became more important than ever when the doctor told me that I was dying from two fatal autoimmune diseases.  It changed my life forever and set me on a lifetime quest to make as many memories as I possibly can.  Of course, my family deals with limited funds, so we can't do very much together, but we still find ways to enjoy each other's company.  Making memories doesn't always have to involve money.  We can enjoy each other's company anywhere that we are:  at a park, at home in front of the television, taking a walk through a nature preserve, etc.  There is no limit to what you can come up with when you try to get a little creative.  That's what I have done with my children, and I highly recommend any family with an ailing parent adopt the same or similar idea.  Your kids will thank you one day and whether or not you are here, it will matter.

Stay blessed, y'all...