Meltdowns Galore: A Mental Health Venting Post

Today has been a bad day for me, and I think writing about it might help me to process it.  I woke up in a lot of pain this morning.  I overdid it yesterday by going to my group therapy session, then running errands afterwards.  The meltdown first thing yesterday morning was not helpful for my spoons.  I use an app to track my spoons.  It's called Visible and it uses your heart rate to track your activity level to help you not overdo it and cause a flare.  It also tracks your Morning Stability score by looking at vitals like your Heart Rate Variability (HRV) and Resting Heart Rate (RHR) to determine if you should have a rest day or if you have been pacing well.  This morning, it gave me a rating of 1/5 and asked me to be kind to myself today.  That should have told me to just crawl back in bed and forget all about this day.  I used more than double my allotted points yesterday, so I feel like today started with a massive deficit instead of a surplus of any sort.  My body is screaming in pain, and my mind is running wild with all the stress and anxiety that you could imagine.  I should have done less yesterday.  

I had a meltdown of epic proportions this morning.  It wasn't quite as bad as yesterday's meltdown, but it was still awful.  I said so many horrible things while I was freaking out and unable to gain control of my emotions.  Michael didn't know what to do with me, so he chose to do nothing.  It didn't help that I was unable to articulate what I needed from him.  I'm not even sure now what I needed from him.  Whatever it was, it's not what I got.  I can tell you that much!  I get easily dysregulated and it is quite the chore to calm myself back down.  It's even more difficult because Michael will not leave me alone to calm myself down.  He'll get me all riled up, then leave for work, but he won't give me 5 minutes in the room to meditate and calm down.  It makes no sense to me.  I don't know what he's getting out of me flipping out every day, but as often as he gaslights me, you would think he's loving this side of our life.  I, however, end up hating myself a little more each time I react to him this way.  I have to stop giving him so much control over my triggers.  I must learn to control myself or I'm going to have to move away from everyone for their safety and mine.  I'm already far too lonely in my life as it is.  I don't think I would actually survive moving away from everyone, but I feel like that's what I'm going to need to do, eventually.  

Flare days, like what I'm going through today, tend to make my emotional dysregulation much more difficult to cope with.  When I'm in pain and exhausted at the same time, I get upset easier than usual.  I say mean and nasty things.  I threaten to hurt myself.  I seriously consider ending my life every single time I have a meltdown like this one.  It's a hard life to live when you must battle physical ailments as well as mental health illnesses.  Some days, it just feels like too much to cope with and today is certainly one of those days for me.  I should have known when my pain was high this morning to just go back to bed.  I'm kicking myself in the ass for that choice.  Next time I get a 1/5 on my Morning Stability, I'm going straight back to bed.  No excuses!  What is the point of using the device and paying for the app if I'm not going to listen to what it tells me to do?  I'd be a fool not to follow that advice.  

My marriage is on the rocks lately and my meltdowns have a lot to do with it.  I'm a lot to handle and I have "extensive trauma" according to my therapist.  She's not wrong.  My trauma is certainly extensive.  I've been through more in my first 40 years than most people ever go through in a lifetime.  Maybe even a few lifetimes.  Most of my therapists could not believe the stories I told them.  It's just hard to believe that one person has been through so many different things, but I promise you, it's all true.  I wish like Hell that it weren't true, but it is 100% accurate.  It has ruined my life and the lives of my children.  My husband has been negatively affected by my trauma, and he had nothing to do with me getting the trauma in the first place.  When he met me, I was already damaged goods.  He has no culpability there.  He has done some things over the years to add to my trauma and his habit of yelling and screaming at me is about to land me in divorce court, but the trauma did not initially come from him.

I try to talk to my husband about the things that are triggering my meltdowns, but he doesn't do anything any differently.  He doesn't change anything.  He expects me to make all the changes and adaptations in our lives and some things I just can't do - yet.  I'm working hard in therapy so that I can get better at these things, but I'm not there yet and I don't think that expecting a little support is asking too much out of a man who promised "in sickness and in health, till death do us part".  He reminds me of that vow often when I tell him that he should just leave me since I'm sick now, but supporting the treatments for my mental illness seems to be asking too much of him?  That doesn't make sense to me.  Illness is sickness, regardless of whether it's physical or mental.  It still deserves love, support, compassion and empathy.  I can't even get him to stop snapping about me needing therapy.  He throws it in my face all the time and talks so much crap about it that I barely want to go anymore.  I'm not going to stop going to therapy just because he's too insecure to handle me getting help and healing.  He's just not as supportive as I need him to be.  It might be time to find a new support circle.  My current one is not holding up against the battle I'm in.  I feel very alone lately, and nobody should be alone while dealing with this type of trauma and abuse.  I try to reach out, but nobody ever has time for me.  If I reach out to Michael, it becomes a fight, so I don't bother anymore.  I just muddle through life so alone that I could just die and nobody would even notice.  What a sad existence...

Pray for me, y'all.  I don't even care which God(dess) you choose.  I need all the healing energy I can get.  Stay blessed and remember to love one another, especially in these trying times.