The Clear Head Prevails: Bad News Settles, Life Moves On

I've had time to sit with some heavy emotions since yesterday, but I think I'm doing better today, at least somewhat better.  I did some research and spoke to a friend who knows more than I do about HPV.  My conversation with them was extremely beneficial for my mental health.  My tests are negative for HPV-16 and HPV-18, which are the more concerning strains.  I feel better knowing that.  With the way my tests are looking right now, I might be okay, but I am still going to pursue the hysterectomy.  I am currently looking for the information I need to start the process.  My primary care physician, Cassandra, is already on-board with anything and everything that I need help with.  She is, by far, the best doctor I have ever had, and I've had a lot of doctors over the years.  She listens to her patients, and she does not gaslight them at all.  She has never made me feel any kind of negativity from her, either.  She is just a joy to be around.  She almost takes my anxiety away, which says a lot because I am like a scared 5-year-old girl when I am at the doctor.  Severe medical anxiety is no fun in your 40's.  People don't take you seriously when you have medical anxiety.  You would think that after 7 years of having my autoimmune diseases, I would be more used to seeing doctors, but nope.  They all terrify me, unintentionally, of course.  

Now that I have taken some time to educate myself, I feel better prepared for the medical battles that I still have in front of me.  I'm now realizing that the battle with the HPV is a little less urgent, but I still need to pursue a hysterectomy.  I have many other painful gynecological conditions that could benefit from that procedure.  I have Interstitial Cystitis and suspected endometriosis or adenomyosis.  I hope I spelled that right!  I can't get a doctor to go in and look to see if it is one of those conditions, so I'm still guessing and hoping for the best, while bracing for the worst.  Women tend to get dismissed and gaslighted, even by other women in the medical field.  It's sad when it comes from inside.

I had hoped to have more support while I was struggling with these test results, but I have been sadly lacking in the friend department.  Most of my friendships did not survive my depression and as sad as that is, it showed me where most people in my life really stood on these issues.  It's probably for the best that they didn't make it into this phase of my life.  I have too much going on, medically, to waste time with fake friends and those who are only half-interested in what I'm going through.  Outside of my family, I'm not wasting my time with updates and conversations.  If anyone wanted to be a part of my life, they would already be a part of my life.  I can accept their choices and make my own based on that.  

I may be slowly adjusting to not having any friends, but it doesn't help my loneliness at all.  I've recently left a 17-month depression that threatened to end my existence.  When I came out of it, I didn't have anyone left to talk to.  They all decided to abandon me when I was down, and now that I'm up, I don't want to waste my time on them.  If I wasn't worth their time before, why would I waste time on them now?  I'm a dying woman.  I don't have time to waste.  I was given ten years to live back in 2018.  The math is not on my side.  Being left to sort these things out on my own is incessantly difficult for me to cope with.  I'm trying to learn to be my own advocate, but after a lifetime of abuse, that is difficult to do.  Gods help me, I'll get there eventually.  

I am making some friends in my ladies' group, but I have trouble reaching out to others.  I have this persistent, intrusive thought that I am just a bother to everyone around me, so I force myself to suffer in silence and solitude.  I'm working on this issue with my therapist, among other issues we are working on.  I am a huge work-in-progress, but I'm proud to finally be working on myself.  I have put my own self-care and priorities on the backburner for so many years, but I can't continue to live like that, so I am my own priority now.  I came to the realization that nobody is going to prioritize my care but me, so it's time to do exactly that.  It pisses off the people around me, but I don't care anymore.  I get to matter during this time of my life.  My children are grown.  I did my job with them.  I didn't do the best job, and I have a lot of guilt and issues because of it, but the point is that they are grown-ups now and I have time to work on myself, so that I can build the life that I want to have from here on out.  I'm just looking for my new tribe, so if that's you, let's link up!  

If I didn't have Scleroderma and PBC complicating my life, this whole HPV situation would be nothing to deal with, but when I'm already dealing with way too much due to my autoimmune diseases, I don't know how to keep up with it all.  It's too overwhelming to deal with this many different diseases, conditions, tests, procedures, doctors, appointments and the stress that comes with all of that.  I have C-PTSD and severe health anxiety or medical anxiety.  I can't handle much more than I already am.  I'm at my breaking point and nobody seems to get it.  I am all alone in most of these battles and I'm tired of being the warrior that has to battle it all alone.  Everyone deserves some support somewhere along the way, even me.  It's time for me to learn to ask for what I need from those around me.  "A closed mouth doesn't get fed."