Reprocessing the Naked City Shooting: An EMDR Update Post

After last week's change of plans, Lori and I finally found the time to have my first EMDR reprocessing session.  We had to switch to a virtual session last time and I didn't want to do any reprocessing from home, just in case it flipped me out.  Lori didn't want to have a virtual session for EMDR, either, so there was no disagreement there.  Of course, there is never disagreement between Lori and me.  I trust her implicitly and for good reason.

My reprocessing appointment was on Monday, and today is Wednesday.  When you have a reprocessing session, it "opens you up" and your brain continues to reprocess the trauma for the next 48 hours.  I have known this for quite some time as Lori has educated me about the process of EMDR, at least as much as she can without doing the actual therapy.  Most of it is easier to understand when you are going through it rather than when you are just learning about it.  Lori knows that I get anxiety quite easily, so she has spent extra time preparing me for this phase of EMDR treatment.  She and I both decided that I was ready for this phase.  

When we started my reprocessing session, Lori asked me which memory I wanted to work on first.  I gave it some thought and decided to reprocess The Naked City Shooting.  My thought process was that the shooting was not a huge memory, so maybe I would have been okay.  We started the reprocessing which consisted of several short sessions of working with the tappers, keeping an image in my mind, and noticing various emotions and sensations that Lori told me to notice.  It took several cycles, but eventually I got the memory down to a 0, which meant it was neutral.  The reprocessing felt like a really intense meditation session.  I understand why my friend from group told me it was similar to lucid dreaming.  She had a very accurate description for me.  I love her for that.  

When I walked out of my session, I felt calm and more peaceful than I had in an exceptionally long time.  I even told Michael that I was great, and I meant it.  I kept that peaceful feeling for the rest of the evening.  Anytime I would think about the shooting (which occurs on a regular basis), it didn't bother me.  My heart didn't race.  I didn't feel dizzy like I do when I get anxiety or remember a traumatic memory.  It was amazing.  I felt good about the entire process and for the first time had a bit of hope that I would be able to heal my trauma.

The next morning, Tuesday, I had an anxiety-induced meltdown, which was unrelated to my trauma or the reprocessing session.  I have meltdowns on a regular basis, so this was not out of the ordinary at all.  I was starting a new group that day and had a lot of anxiety about it, which led to me snapping at Michael, then the meltdown came.  I was a mess, but I got through it and took myself to group - alone.  I went to a group with a new clinician and new members, and I went alone, which is something that Lori and I have been working on for months.  While I was in that new group, Lori called me to check on me and to make sure I was okay.  I told her about the meltdown that morning but that other than that I was good.  She said she was happy to hear it and that was the end of the phone call.  I went about the rest of my day without much issue.

The problem occurred this morning.  I woke up at 4 am, in so much pain I could no longer sleep.  I was having a lot of flashbacks all night long and I think my brain had finally had enough.  I got Michael up and he helped me get a cup of coffee and some pain medication, then he went back to bed, like he normally does and I'm usually fine with that.  After an hour of sitting with my thoughts, I recognized that I was in a dark place.  I started crying.  When I say I started crying, I mean I was hysterically crying like an upset toddler.  Tears flooding my eyes and face, my body was shaking, and I was choking because the cries just wouldn't stop.  Michael was holding me and trying to console me, but it just wasn't doing any good.  I was too far gone.  

I know that my body needed a good cry after everything I reprocessed.  I also know that when we cry, hormones are released that make us feel better afterward.  It needed to happen, as much as I hate it happening in front of anyone.  I don't even cry in front of my husband.  When I was younger, my emotions were demonized, and I was ostracized and ridiculed for it.  Emotions were never safe around my father.  To this day, he shows absolutely no emotion, whatsoever.  I learned a hard lesson as a young child about that.  I learned to block off my emotions just like he did and now I am an adult who does not know how to cope with these strong emotions.  I am a wreck because I was never taught how to handle this.  Therapy was not offered when I was young, and my life fell apart.  Even when I begged for mental health help, it was denied.  Now, I have a lifetime of work to do to heal the trauma that I never asked for.  No wonder I finally cried!

Now that the 48 hours have passed, I do feel a bit better.  After my crying spell, I was able to take a bit of a nap.  I only slept for an hour, but it was enough to reset me for the rest of the day.  Lori warned me that I might sleep a lot after a reprocessing session.  I was hoping that would be the case, but I woke up at 3 am yesterday and 4 am today.  Not much sleeping was going on, clearly.  I'm hopeful that tonight will be better for me, now that I can use my medications that are contraindicated for EMDR reprocessing.  That's a whole other post, though.  The only thing that matters is that I made it through my first reprocessing session and I didn't die, although I really wanted to when I couldn't stop crying this morning.  Michael helped me to get through that urge, thank Gods.  

Thanks for following my EMDR journey.  More to come, so stay tuned...