Rest Day Thoughts

 I've been on the move for weeks now, but I finally managed to carve out a day for some rest.  It doesn't happen often in my life, but occasionally a day of rest will manifest itself.  I'm grateful when it does happen.  Michael is off work today and for once, we don't have any appointments to attend to.  Normally, we would have my therapy appointment this afternoon, but Lori is out of the country for the next 5 weeks, so I am kind of on my own for getting through any mental hangups that may arise.  I think Michael is enjoying not taking me to town today.  I know it gets overwhelming for him when he literally never gets a day to rest.  No human body can tolerate that for very long.  Instead, we are spending the day together and catching up on some chores around the house.

I slept 9 hours last night and the night before, but my body is still screaming at me.  It frustrates me when I get a lot of hours of sleep, but I still feel fatigued.  It happens more often than not.  Most people with autoimmune disease complain about their sleep, too, so it's not just me.  I actually slept until 8 am this morning and that hasn't happened in several months.  Yesterday, I probably would have slept longer if my alarm to wake Michael up for work did not go off and remind me of our responsibilities.  We were both enjoying sleep when that alarm went off - damn it!

When my brain is not getting enough sleep, it sends signals to my body to wreak havoc and make me pay for any physical labor I might have done over the last few days.  It usually comes in the form of a flare, and it is extremely painful when that happens to me.  I have a lot of past traumata that my brain is working on reprocessing lately, so my aches and pains are seemingly higher than normal.  The body keeps the score and mine is the master at doing so.  I have so many different, painful diseases and conditions that I can't even give them a number.  There are just too many to count and keeping track of the symptoms and such can be quite a chore.  I use an app on my phone which is called, "Bearable" and it has been amazingly helpful to keep track of all of my symptoms and medication dates and times.  I have been using the app since 2020, so I have lots of data available for my doctors now.  Using this app helps me to determine which days I need to rest, and all signs lead to today being a rest day in my house.  I will not argue when the data is right in front of my face.  That's probably the number one benefit for me using this app, personally.  My doctors also love that I have data to show them when we are discussing my pain and other symptoms.  I only pay $15 per year for the app, so it is very much an affordable healthcare need.  

Rest days are difficult for me because my brain does not turn off or even slow down just because my body needs a break.  If anything, it gets more amped up because of the guilt and shame around being an unproductive member of society.  The world judges us harshly when we are unable to work or earn a living in some way, shape, form or fashion, especially when we have children.  Nobody wants to be judged for needing help with their children, so we work a bit harder to ensure we don't need any help with them.  The problem is that illness can strike at any moment and render you unable to be productive.  What do you do then?  Do you really have less value just because you suddenly fell ill?  I don't think so.  All humans have value, regardless of their ability to be productive.  On days when my body needs to rest, my brain is full of these types of thoughts.  I truly wish I could figure out how to shut my brain off already.  The racing thoughts become intrusive after a while.  It's difficult to cope with.  

I'm not the only spoonie that struggles with rest days, unfortunately.  I have spoken to many spoonies over the years, and the common complaint is that they fight rest days, usually for fear of judgment from the able-bodied loved ones in their lives.  It's a sad reality when you are judged for something that you cannot change.  That's like hating one because of their race, gender or religion.  It just never made any sense to me.  I never judge anyone, and I would love to live without the judgment of others, but we all know that will likely never happen, so I am learning to live my life without giving them any thought.  Women seem to get judged harder than men when it comes to chronic illness and chronic pain.  It's almost as if we are expected to keep going, no matter what pain or agony we are dealing with at the time.  When we have children and families depending on us, we just keep going.  We are literal warriors, but even warriors need to put down the sword and have a rest day.  Today, it is my turn.

Until next time... Stay blessed and get some rest!