The Dreaded Memory List: An EMDR Update Post

 I'm getting closer and closer to reprocessing my trauma through EMDR.  I saw my therapist yesterday afternoon and it was a rough session for me.  Part of EMDR preparation is making a "Memory List", which is a list of all of your traumatic memories, measured several different ways.  It is compiled and when you start reprocessing, you refer back to this list.  I don't know much more than that as I have not yet entered that phase of EMDR.  I have been working with Lori for 9 months now, so I have grown to trust her.  I don't trust easily and me taking so long to trust her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my past trauma.  I have been working on this memory list since before Christmas last year and I have hated every second of it.  I hate having to tell my story.  I hate the embarrassment and humiliation that I feel when I have to tell another living soul what was done to me.  It's just awful, but if I must go through something this awful, I would much rather it be with Lori.  She is the perfect one to help me heal.

I added 5 memories to my Memory List yesterday.  Talking about that many awful things that happened to me was not easy, by any stretch of the imagination.  After a few memories, I told Lori that I was getting overwhelmed and she said, "Good!"  She did not mean that it was good that I was overwhelmed.  She meant that it was good that I recognized it and was able to advocate for myself.  I couldn't do that just a few months ago, so this is progress!  We took a break and talked about other things, then after a few minutes, I was ready to talk about another memory.  Lori was both surprised and impressed that I was ready to do another one.  She never pressures me to do anything more than what I'm comfortable with.  I think that is a major reason that I trust her.  

After we were done with the Memory List for the day, Lori had me work with the EMDR tappers to calm myself and emotionally regulate before I left her office.  She always has me do this after working on the Memory List because one time, I did not do very well after I left her office.  I had a public meltdown due to what I had to talk about in therapy that day.  Michael almost couldn't handle me.  It was very scary for both of us and when I told Lori about it, she made me promise that I would never leave her office dysregulated again.  She explained to me how very important it is that she always know that I'm safe when I leave her office.  I don't think she would handle it very well if I hurt myself because of it.  She's got heart for her clients.  She doesn't want anything bad to happen to any of us, especially on her watch.  I worked with the EMDR tappers for about 10 minutes, then Lori checked in with me to make sure that I was okay.  I told her that I was fine, then I left her office.  For the most part, I was fine.  I was able to use my tools and meditation to safely get myself home, but once I got there, the flashbacks were on a loop, and I could not stop them for anything.  Michael was with me the entire time, so I was never in danger.  I was just extremely uncomfortable in my own skin, but that is not necessarily unusual for me.

Once I got home, I immediately wrote about the session in the book I'm drafting.  I write about every single session, one-on-one and group sessions included.  I jokingly tell Lori I'm writing my own session notes.  We both laugh about it.  Seriously though, when my book reached 100 pages, I gave her a copy of it to start reading.  I think it helps her to know how I'm doing with my therapy because I cannot often articulate when there is a problem.  I can write about it, though, so that's my go-to method outside of attempting to talk about these things in therapy sessions.  Writing about the session helped me to process it in my own way.  It felt like I was putting it away into a file cabinet where I won't have to see the contents strewn about, if that makes sense.  

Talking about the things that came up in yesterday's session left me in a bit of a depressive episode.  I don't usually cry, but there were a few moments with tears involved.  Michael is not used to seeing me cry because I try to hide any evidence of emotion from him (and the rest of the world, too!), but he got to see it a little bit yesterday.  Of course, he doesn't comment on it because he knows I'm too sensitive for that.  He tries to be cautious with my heart.  He knows most of my trauma stories, but not all of them.  Sometimes, when he asks me what the flashbacks are about, I will tell him, but there are a few stories he doesn't know about and I'm not ready to tell him yet.  I think that he will read about it in the book.  I just hope that he's okay with that.  There are just some things that I'm not able to articulate and what happened to me the night he was in jail is one of them.  

Michael gave me all the space I needed last night, and I appreciate him deeply for that.  He was very understanding when I expressed that I did not want to be touched in any way.  It's difficult for Michael because he likes to rub, hug or hold me to soothe me.  At one point, that was a comfort for me, but somewhere along the way, I started to shy away from all touch, and I have no idea why.  It hurts him when I don't want to be touched, and my intention is never to hurt anyone's feelings, but when I am having flashbacks, I can't be touched by anyone.  I will react violently if I don't realize that it is him touching me, so it's safest for everyone involved if nobody touches me when I am like that.  I hate that it must be this way, and I have hope that after EMDR I won't be like this anymore.  I desperately need to not be like this anymore.  Michael needs me to not be like this anymore.  My entire family needs me to not be like this anymore.  Gods, I hope this therapy works for me.  I have so much riding on it.  

Stay blessed, y'all...