What a Pain: A Migraine Update Post

 Yesterday was a stressful day for me, but I survived it.  I had too many appointments scheduled that day, so I had to miss out on my group therapy session, and I hate when I miss out on any opportunity for growth and progress of my healing journey.  However, it was important that I attend the other appointment.  It was a follow-up appointment with my neurologist, Dr. Jennifer Rock.  She has been treating my migraines for about a year now.  I have been on Emgality since last May and it's just not working out for me.  Yesterday's appointment was the day I chose to advocate for myself, and it was not a simple feat for me.

When the doctor started my appointment, I explained to her some of the problems that I'm having like the high number of migraines I'm experiencing every month.  I get over 20 migraines a month and that is while I have been on Emgality for a year.  It has never gotten any better as far as the quantity of migraines is concerned.  Now, the quality of the migraines has greatly improved with this treatment.  My migraines are easier to treat.  The migraine medication actually works now, but that's just not enough benefit for me.  I have expressed this concern to my doctor in the past, but she was dismissive of me when I brought it up last time.  I gave it a year before I dared to bring it up.  I didn't want to be the complicated patient, but I have no choice when the medication is just not doing what it is supposed to do.  Luckily, this time she was receptive to what I was saying.  I don't know what changed this time, but I'm grateful that we came up with a new treatment plan.

The new medication is called, "Ajovy".  It is another monthly injection that will prevent migraines.  I have researched this new medication, and I am a bit concerned about the Raynaud's warning that is mentioned in the side effects and warnings, but I'll bring that up to my doctor before I start the medication.  She said that it would take about two weeks to get the insurance approval finalized, so I have time to bring up my questions.  I watched the tutorial about the injection process, and it seems simple enough, although I am intimidated by it.  I hate taking injections.  It gives me awful anxiety.  Sometimes, I have to take an anti-anxiety tablet to be able to give myself the injection.  Michael tried to help me by doing the injections for me, but it seemed to hurt more when he did them, so I started doing them myself.  I shook like a leaf the first time I had to do my own injection.  I've come a long way in the last year of giving myself injections.  

Until yesterday's appointment, I was thinking about switching neurologists or asking to go back to Botox treatments.  I did one round of Botox back in April 2021, and it was awful for me.  My anxiety was through the roof.  I am terrified of needles, plus they trigger the desire for relapse, so I avoid them at all costs.  Botox consists of 30 shots to the face, head and neck.  Nobody is ever excited for that type of treatment.  When I did the Botox injections, I had a severe reaction in a nerve in the back of my head... kind of on my neck, toward the top.  It triggered the worst head and neck pain of my life.  I thought that I was going to have a stroke due to the severity of the pain.  The doctor did not answer my call for three days and by the time they did answer me, the pain was long gone.  Next time, I know to expect these side effects and symptoms, so I can ask for something extra ahead of time, instead of suffering in pain for the entire day.  My heart races just remembering how painful that procedure was.  It was traumatizing, in a way.  Remember, trauma is not what happened to the body, but rather how the brain perceived it, and my brain perceives a lot of things as trauma.  I reminded Dr. Rock of my anxiety around Botox, so we decided to try the other injectables first.  Hopefully, this new one will be helpful.  

I can't take much more of the migraine pain.  I have had 12 migraines over the last two weeks.  It's been almost every single day lately.  I can't keep going like this.  Anyone who gets migraines, understands how very difficult it is to deal with them every day for two weeks.  That is almost unheard of!  My doctor has been dismissive in the past, but I'm hoping that after yesterday she gains a bit more understanding and compassion for what I go through.  We talked in detail, and I think she understands more now.  I also had to talk to her medical assistant about my past medical abuse and trauma because my blood pressure was high, so they thought something else was going on with me.  I had to explain what being in a medical office does to me, just so that she would understand why my numbers are so high.  I hate when I have to tell anyone about what those two doctors did to me, but I am learning that it helps them to have more compassion for me.  It's just embarrassing to admit that any of that happened.  There is a lot of guilt and shame that goes with being abused.  I'm still dealing with this in therapy.  

I have dealt with chronic migraines since I was two years old.  I did not even have words for it yet, but I would rub the temples of my head and say, "Mommy, it hurts here."  She would give me children's chewable Tylenol, then let me be to heal on my own.  These migraines continued throughout my entire life and my mother raised me to be so strong that I don't take a day off, not even for a migraine.  I never saw a doctor for my migraines until after I was an adult.  My mother never sought care for them, which now that I am a mother myself, seems odd, at best.  My son has my migraines, and I have already taken him to neurologists and had him on migraine medication for years.  Anything short of that is medical neglect.  I am not saying that my mother neglected me.  She did dismiss my pain for years, but she never neglected me.  I don't think that she knew that there was anything that could be done about them. My primary care physician (the one who abused me) knew all about them, but he never sent me to a specialist, either.  I was medically gaslit every step of the way, by all of the adults involved.  It's no wonder that I am terrified to advocate for myself now.  It was never safe to do so before.  I use affirmations to remind (and convince) myself that I am safe now.  It's starting to work - sometimes.  

Until next time...