Practicing Skills and Making Progress: A Mental Health Update Post

 I'm doing a thing today and it's kind of scary, but I'm doing it anyway.  I am facing one of my biggest fears, which is being alone for any extended period of time.  This is one of my mental health goals that I am working on with my therapist, Lori.  I've been with her for 6 months now and this is the first time I have had a chance to try to be alone.  I know she's going to love to hear about this tomorrow during my one-on-one session with her.

I had massive anxiety this morning that led to a meltdown before Michael left for work.  Any time that I have anxiety, I tend to nag and nitpick those around me, especially Michael.  I don't mean to do it, but once I get triggered, I can't figure out how to stop it.  The words just come out of my mouth.  It's awful and it makes me hate myself for the things that I say when I am triggered.  Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that, no matter what.  This is one of the many things that is on my mental health goal list.  Anyway, he spent so much time trying to calm me down, that none of the things I needed done were taken care of, namely me.  I am unable to dress myself without assistance and there are a few other hygiene tasks that require his help, but none of that was done today.  It took me a long time just to be able to get dressed and washed up, but I couldn't get much further than that because the fatigue took over and sat me down, against my will, I might add.  I ended up taking a short nap because my energy was completely gone.

The weekends are difficult for me because going to group two days in row usually causes a flare by the weekend.  My weekends are almost always spent in bed, crying in pain, wishing that death would take me so that the pain will finally stop.  It's not an easy way to live life.  Being left home alone on a Sunday (of all days!) is more difficult for me than any other day of the week.  I was upset that nobody was going to be here with me because all of the traumatic things that have happened to me happened in two different places... when I was home alone and at the doctor's office, also alone.  Those are the two places that I usually refuse to be at by myself, but today, I was not given much of a choice.  Avery had a college event to go to and Kurt is on Spring break with his girlfriend's family.  They have gone out of state for a few days, so I have been left to my own devices and that can sometimes be a dangerous thing.  

I have made promises not to hurt myself or to do anything foolish, but in all honesty, I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep those promises.  Every noise is making me jump.  I'm shaking.  My heart is racing and skipping beats occasionally.  My thoughts are racing a mile a minute, coming up with every outlandish fear you could imagine.  My flashbacks are wild today, too, but I'm working on dealing with them as best as I can.  I went through a rough time in my life for a very long time and the scars are still with me.  I'm in therapy, but I'm still in the beginning phases of EMDR treatment, so I have little control so far.  My trauma is still a deep wound that bleeds daily.  Unfortunately, it's causing me to bleed onto people that did not cut me and do not deserve to be caught in the crossfire of my screwed-up past.  

I have learned some tools, skills and techniques that help me get through rough days like today.  One of my favorites is the "anchor tool".  I hold my hand in a certain position, think about my happy place, which is the Xeric Garden in Las Vegas, Nevada, and tell myself to relax.  Within seconds, I am relaxed and can get through whatever is triggering me.  The anchor is the strongest tool that I have, so it's often the first one that I reach for.  I can also use my nurturing resource that Lori and I built several months ago.  Another tool that I'm still learning to work with is my trunk.  Lori and I made a box for me to put my emotional crap and stressors in and lock it away.  It's all done as a visualization, but it's very strong when you actually put in the work and try it.  These are just a few of the tools that I use.  I also use meditation and various breathing exercises to calm my nervous system and to help regulate my emotions, when needed.  

All of this is a work in progress, but I'm finally working toward healing and that is exciting for me!  I have dreamt of the day my trauma would be healed ever since I learned that it was possible to heal it.  When I met Lori, I saw the possibility of life after trauma recovery.  She had trauma and now she is leading others in their healing journeys.  To me, that is absolute proof that EMDR works.  I want that for my life and I'm willing to do just about anything to get there.  And if everything goes well, I, too, will be a therapist after trauma recovery.  I'm not focusing on trauma, though.  I'm going to focus on Substance Use Disorder (SUD).  That's where my passion is at.  It may have taken me several months to get here, but for the first time since I got sick, I am actually making plans for my life, as if I were going to outlive the death sentence the doctor gave me back in 2018.  Who knows... maybe I'll make it after all?

Gods help me, I'll get there one day...