Rest Day Blues: An Autoimmune Venting Post

I overdid it yesterday.  I am paying for it today.  This is life with chronic illness.  Most people don't have a clue of what it's like to live with a painful, energy-limiting illness like Scleroderma, POTS, Long Covid or chronic fatigue.  I have all four of those and struggle daily with the symptoms these diseases cause me.  I woke up in a flare so bad that I had to cancel my plans for today and I hate when that happens.  I hate to miss out on my trauma group because I learn so much in there, but some days, my health needs to be the priority.  

I tend to feel guilty when I have to cancel plans.  It's frustrating that my body doesn't cooperate with me and it's also kind of embarrassing when it fails.  I choke on water and fall on flat ground.  I feel like a walking comedy show placed here for everyone else's entertainment.  I avoid going certain places because of these deficiencies.  I'm always afraid to agree to attend any events because more often than not, I have to cancel.  I feel like this makes me an unreliable friend and I feel terrible about that.  I wish like Hell that there was something that I could do to change this, but I just can't.  It is what it is.  I'm still learning to live within my new reality, but it is exceedingly difficult.  

I have found that the key to not disappointing people is to preface all my plans with, "Depending on how I feel..." which tends to leave some room just in case I end up feeling unwell on the day of my plans.  It sucks to have to live life this way, but what can I really do?  Chronic illness affects every single aspect of my life.  I can't help it, and I certainly cannot change it, or I would have done that already.  The best that I can do is to learn how to go with the flow and expect the unexpected, both good and bad.  

I was able to squeeze in a little bit of fun, even though I knew that my body needed to rest today.  Michael wanted to take me out to breakfast this morning, so I did allow that.  I made it the only place that I am going today because my body does need to rest a bit.  Rest is an extremely difficult concept for me because this world assigns us value based on the level of our productivity.  When you are disabled like me, they give you no value and that leads to some self-esteem and self-worth issues.  That's where I'm at now.  I have been made to believe that I do not deserve any of the good in life because I am not able to work for it, and this line of thinking is completely wrong and needs to change.  We have value, despite our abilities or productivity levels.  Their system can go straight to Hell.  It's clearly flawed, anyway.  

Flare days are difficult for me because they affect my mental health negatively.  I tend to be much more depressed on days that my pain is high or other symptoms are bothering me.  Michael tries his best to help me snap out of it, but sometimes, that is just not doable.  He's always willing to try to cheer me up.  The problem is that nothing works when I feel that low about my autoimmune life.  Coping with autoimmune diseases and chronic illnesses has been the most difficult task I have ever attempted, and that is saying a lot!  I am a warrior, and I will always carry on, no matter what life throws my way.  I have children watching me.  They may be mostly grown, but they still need their mama here to help them do life.  Most days, my children and husband are the only things that keep me grounded and fighting for my life.  If I ever lose them, it's over for me.  That is an overwhelming thought for me, so I try to avoid focusing on that possibility.  Gods keep them safe for me, always.  For now, it's time for me to rest.  Until next time...