Smashing Goals: A Mental Health Update Post

I did a "thing" yesterday and I need to write about it.  I have been seeing my therapist 2-3 times per week for over eight months, and I have never, not once, ever taken myself to and from the office alone.  Last week, Lori and I discussed the need for me to prove to myself that I can do this, so yesterday was the day that I tested myself with it.  It did not go wonderfully, like I had hoped, but I did survive, so there's that!  I went through a lot, mentally and emotionally, before I even left the house.  

I woke up with my 6 am alarm and the first thought in my mind was, "How in the Hell am I going to make it there and back alone?"  I could not shake the thought from my brain to save my life.  My mind was intent on convincing me that every single thing that could go wrong, would go wrong.  These dark thoughts first thing in the morning prompted a panic attack of epic proportions and I am still reeling from it all.  I woke Michael up to help me with the panic attack and instead of helping me, we ended up in a fight.  He was also having anxiety, so neither of us were able to help each other, but even knowing that he would not allow any space in-between us for either of us to calm down and we both desperately needed the space to calm ourselves down.  Our fight went on so long that I used up all of my Visible Pace Points before I even got showered for the day.  I ended up having a screaming, crying meltdown for hours.  Michael was not able to help me for several hours because I had gotten too amped up to calm down easily.  His first thought is not to calm me down, but rather to defend his actions and perpetuate our fight.  He can't just give up, give in and fix the problem.  He focuses more on blame than the solution.  Culpability does not matter to me.  I only want to fix the problem and have calmer, more peaceful lives together.  

After a few hours, I was able to calm myself down enough to get ready and get out the door for my appointment, but I was still extremely dysregulated from our fight.  I struggled through the first three bus rides of my journey, which used up even more of my Pace Points.  When I arrived at Lori's office, I texted her to let her know that I was at her office, alone and that my anxiety was through the roof.  When she came to bring me to her office, I told her that my anxiety was high, and she immediately reached for her EMDR tappers.  I laughed out loud because I told Michael on the way to my appointment that she was going to need those before we could even start my session.  

It only took me a few minutes of working with the tappers before I was more emotionally regulated and mentally prepared for whatever work Lori had planned for our session.  Luckily, she didn't want to work on anything too traumatic, like the Memory List we are compiling.  She had a packet of papers from a workbook of some sort.  It had questions about my pain and the history of my pain, so it was not anything too dysregulating to discuss.  I was grateful for that.  We worked on that packet for the rest of the session.  I was not terribly dysregulated, so I did not need to work with the tappers before I left.  Sometimes, I have to do that before I leave because talking about my trauma is still extremely difficult for me.  Michael and I made plans to meet at the McDonald's by our house after my appointment.  He wanted to help me celebrate the goal completion.  I thought it was very sweet that he was trying to be supportive.  He's not all bad.  We just have some major issues to address - together.  

The bus trip home was much easier than the 3 buses it took to get there.  My anxiety was lower, but still active.  I have the hardest time going anywhere alone because I have been in some terrible situations in the past.  I do not trust myself to get anywhere safely.  As much as I hate it, I need a male escort in order to feel safe, and I should not have to feel that way - ever!  My husband and sons should not need to accompany me to each and every appointment just because I have past trauma.  They deserve to live their own lives and not have to worry about me every second of the day.  These are just a few of the many reasons I have for working toward this and other goals.  Although I struggled massively with this goal achievement, I am incessantly proud of myself for trying.  That took a lot of courage and bravery to try to do such a difficult task.  My desire to heal from my trauma is what drives me to keep going, even when it seems so bleak.  I'm holding onto the intense hope that I can have a decent life after this healing journey is complete.  It's the only hope left in my life.  I won't let go of it, no matter what.

This goal was one of the last goals that I needed to complete before I can move on to the reprocessing phase of EMDR, which is where the magic occurs.  I have been trying to reach this phase for a long time now, and I am finally almost there.  Lori and I chose to go slowly and cautiously due to my lack of coping skills and calming methods.  I had a lot to learn before it was safe to move on.  I'm there now, so we can slowly proceed to the next step.  We have just a few more things to do before we can really get to work.  My Memory List is nowhere near complete yet, so that's one major thing that we need to deal with soon.  There are also two different resources to build before we can start the reprocessing phase of EMDR.  It's not likely to happen next week, but we are getting so close I can practically taste it.  I'm nervous, yet excited to possibly get somewhere with my trauma.  I fantasize about the day where I am not embarrassed by my PTSD or my inability to function like a "normal" person.  One day I will get there.  I have faith that my therapist can get me there.  That's half the battle.

Until next time...