Change of Plans: An EMDR Update Post

 Today was supposed to be a big day in my healing journey, but that is not the way things went, after all.  I had an in-person therapy session scheduled for 1 pm today.  It was to be the first of many EMDR reprocessing sessions.  I have been terribly nervous about this all week long and it came to a head this morning.  I woke up with a lot of anxiety and could not use my anxiety medication due to the effects it will have on the EMDR.  This was hugely difficult for me this morning and part of the reason that I had started to melt down.  Michael was not as helpful as I had hoped that he would be, but I'll deal with him later.  After a calm conversation, he will likely be more understanding.  I hope so, anyway.  In the midst of me freaking out about not being able to take my medication, I got a text message from Lori letting me know that she needed to do our session from her home today, which meant online instead of in-person.  When I say that I was relieved to get that message, it is an understatement.  I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders and I could finally breathe again.  I was stressed to the max about this appointment, and it was starting to cause physical side effects and symptoms this morning.  I expected Michael to be a little bit more supportive in me not taking my medication, but instead, he just kept telling me to ignore what I was told and take it anyway.  That is not how I operate.  When I am told not to take something for a medical reason, I listen to what is said to me, and I follow through with it.  I did my own research and was able to confirm that I did, in fact, need to stop the medicine before using this form of therapy.  Now, I'm afraid that this is going to be an ongoing problem with us every week when it's time for reprocessing.  I don't know what to do about him.

Once I was able to take my medication this morning, everything went much smoother.  Since it was not an in-person appointment, I didn't bother to put on any makeup.  I was already dressed nicely, and my hair was done, but the makeup just never quite made it to my face today and I am okay with that... strangely.  If you don't know me in real life, you probably don't know that I rarely even leave my bedroom without my makeup on, let alone leave the house or let anyone see me without my makeup on.  I usually don't even take video calls without my makeup on, but I make the exception for Lori because she has never made me feel any type of a way about wearing makeup.  She never judges and she doesn't wear much makeup herself, so I feel more comfortable being myself around her, which I think is critically important for a therapist/client relationship.  

After I took my anxiety medication, I was finally able to eat some breakfast and take my psychiatric medication, Latuda.  I can't take it unless I eat 300 calories.  The medication requires that many calories to metabolize and work its magic.  I had not considered the fact that I can't eat without my anxiety medication and that is a major problem for me.  Michael and I discussed it and decided that I will need to drink a protein shake on those days so that I can still take my Latuda.  I'm pretty concerned about the fact that we overlooked that aspect of this situation.  I don't know what else to do about it because I desperately need this therapy to work, but I also need to be able to take all of my medications.  I just don't know which one is more important right now.  I will need to discuss this further with my therapist.  Maybe she has some recommendation.  She usually does.

Once my session started with Lori, we mainly did a check-in appointment.  With other clients, she can do EMDR online, but with me, it's not necessarily safe to do so, especially for the first reprocessing appointment.  There is concern that I might freak out, melt down or have a mental breakdown, which would be even worse than what I'm used to dealing with.  I have meltdowns several times a week, which is down from meltdowns several times every day.  I am proud of the progress that I have made, but I do wish that I was making more progress than I am right now.  I feel stagnant... stuck, even.  Lori and I have made the plan that she will have her (female) supervisor available in case she needs help with my session.  I feel good about this plan and it's the only reason that I have agreed to start reprocessing.  I don't want anyone to get hurt and I get violent when I get upset.  I'm usually only violent to myself, but I don't want to be unprepared, then find out that I am violent with other people.  I would hate myself forever if I hurt someone due to a meltdown.  I have discussed this at length with Lori and that is why we came up with a plan to have someone there, just in case.  I told her that I would rather have them there and not need them, than need them and not have them available.  

Lori and I have also been working on some chronic pain and anxiety handouts that have been very useful for my therapy sessions.  On the days when we don't work on EMDR, we work on these handouts.  It's a nice change of pace for the days that I just don't feel like doing EMDR or like today, when Lori is not in her office to access those materials.  The handouts have questions about things like, "Where in your body do you feel anxiety?"  They are intriguing questions that really get the conversation going, which is extremely helpful for my therapist (and for me, too!).  I didn't really want to work on anything related to EMDR, but I know that I am going to have to face this eventually.  I can't keep using excuses for not doing what I need to do.  When I set out on this journey, I very much wanted to be where I am now.  I need to take a moment and appreciate how very strong I had to be just to get to this point in my healing journey, then get back to work.  I did this.  I set out to get help.  I reached out for said help and now I'm doing everything that they tell me to do.  That says a lot about how badly I want the help.  It's easy to ask for the help, but to follow through on doing what they tell you to do, that is not easy, and it takes some serious dedication, so kudos to me for following through and sticking with it for over 9 months now.  I got this!

Until later...