Flare Days and Random Thoughts: An Autoimmune Venting Post

 I'm not having the best day, so I think a venting session is in order.  Nobody pissed me off this time, besides my pain levels.  I woke up this morning with a lot of joint and muscle pain.  I'm assuming that it's another Fibromyalgia flare and I hate those worse than the other types of flares that I get.  A Fibromyalgia flare is difficult for me to ascertain as the pain and other symptoms are exceedingly similar to a Scleroderma flare.  It's difficult to keep them all straight on flare days.  It's a sad existence because when one disease or condition is not flaring, there is always another condition starting a flare.  I never get a day off from my autoimmune life.

I didn't go to sleep until late last night and I'm sure that is affecting my pain level.  My pain is always higher on days with less sleep.  My body seems to need at least 8 - 9 hours of sleep to combat my autoimmune diseases, but I rarely get that these days.  I have been a little manic for several days now, maybe even longer.  It usually takes me a little longer to notice when I'm manic.  People around me would notice it sooner if they paid attention, but nobody notices until I'm spiraling out of control.  Then they want to know why I didn't reach out for help.  How can they expect me to reach out when I am met with silence and ignorance each and every time?  Rarely do the people around me know what to say when they do notice it because they are afraid of my reaction, so they just leave me to my own devices and try to help me pick up the pieces after I have destroyed my life and relationships.  It's a very toxic cycle I'm stuck in and it's my own damn fault!

Chronic fatigue is wreaking havoc on my body today, too.  When fatigue combines with an autoimmune flare, it's like going through Hell twice.  When my fatigue is this high, I literally feel like I'm walking through a swimming pool of Jello.  Sometimes, it feels like I have concrete blocks attached to my feet.  Either way, I am miserable, and it slows down all of the work that I want to get done for the day.  Unfortunately, I was so fatigued that I sent my son to the coffee shop to get me a Frappuccino, and it caused my Interstitial Cystitis to flare, too.  When the IC flares, I feel like I have a bladder infection, which is more pain than I deserve to deal with today.  IC is a very lonely disease because few people have it or have even heard of it.  It's not a rare disease, per se, but most people have no clue that it even exists or that it is considered by medical professionals to be as painful as a cancer patient's treatments.  IC also affects my sex life because intercourse becomes exceedingly painful.  Sometimes, it will even cause me to cry.  Luckily, my husband has never, not once, ever forced himself on me or coerced me into doing something that will cause me to have more pain.  I'm blessed that I have a caring and compassionate partner.  Most women with IC cannot say the same and my heart breaks for them.  

Unfortunately, on days like today where my pain is this high, I have no choice but to rest as much as possible.  My body simply will not accept any other alternative.  I must rest my body so that it can try to heal itself.  The body heals itself best during the rest cycle, so it would be beneficial to allow my body to do what it needs to do, without beating myself up over it.  That's the hard part for me.  I have such high expectations for myself, while simultaneously holding exceedingly low expectations of those around me.  I don't know why I expect so much more of myself than those around me, but I'd be willing to bet that it is a trauma response.  I desperately need to learn to allow my body and brain to rest.  I'll never start feeling any better if I don't start taking better care of myself.  I don't know what it's going to take for me to get the hint that my body needs what it's asking for.  

I tend to get down and a bit depressed on days when my pain is high.  That's not necessarily the case for me today and I am grateful for the break from feeling everything so intensely.  I feel emotions in extremes; I'm either extremely happy or extremely depressed.  There isn't much "middle ground" for me.  This is part of the reason why doctors and specialists have often wondered if I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  I don't share that often because of the stigma of having a personality disorder, but it is something that I still wonder about.  I think I'm going to bring these issues up to Lori when she returns from her Camino.  She will either set me straight or set my mind at ease.  Either way, I trust that I will get the truth from her and that it will come without judgment.  I just have to wait the five weeks for her return.  I hope I survive that long!  Ha!

Until next time...