The Floodgates Are Open: An Update Post

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 Michael and I spent the better part of last night in the hospital.  He had gone to our primary care physician, Cassandra, and she wanted to send him to the emergency room via ambulance, but he would not allow that.  She did an EKG at her office, and it showed atrial flutter, which needed medical attention right away.  Michael and I both have extreme medical anxiety, so this was a difficult situation for us.  Luckily, Cassandra understands our issues, so she sent a note to the emergency room so that they would know what to do with us.  I love our doctor.  She is so amazing.  As we were leaving, she gave me a hug and said, "Thank you for listening to my advice."  I hugged her back and told her, "Thank you."  Michael and I ran our errands, then headed to the hospital.  It took some convincing to get Michael to agree to go, but he finally came around to the idea.  He wanted to wait until Monday, but I knew that was not safe.

When we got to the emergency room, they put Michael into an intake room to get an EKG right away.  They ran other tests, and, in the end, they found that he has no arrhythmia going on with his heart, but they did find nodules on his lungs.  They are very small and have a low risk profile, so we are not too concerned right now.  They recommended he have another CT scan in 3 - 6 months to see if there are any changes.  Hopefully, they will never become cancerous.  

After a few hours of being at the hospital, I was nearing a meltdown, but I managed to get through it.  I just went outside to vape and catch my breath for a moment.  I have medical trauma and being at the hospital takes me back to some bad times, especially the miscarriage of Kurt's twin.  In dealing with the hospital, I now know that the next memory that I want to reprocess is the night of that miscarriage.  That night messed me up for life.  I had a meltdown threatening me by about 10 pm last night, but I used my tools and tricks and was able to get through everything.  Michael was released by 11 pm and we were on our way home.  

While we were still at the hospital and my anxiety was through the roof, I reached out to my girls from group and chatted with them for a while.  They pulled me through a really bad night.  I don't cope well with high anxiety in situations like that, but I got through it all and it's okay that I needed a little extra help to get through it.  Lori would be so proud to know that our friend group is getting this strong.  I can't even believe how strong it has gotten.  The bond between all of us is something else.  I've never experienced anything quite like it.  

After we left the hospital, we took a Lyft home.  We live too far from the hospital for any other way home at that hour.  The Lyft driver was a veteran with PTSD, so we had a conversation about that.  Michael was telling him the story of the Naked City Shooting that we both went through together, and it was having no effect on me.  It was as if I was hearing the story from someone else.  I felt like I was not a part of the story that he was telling.  I looked over at Michael and told him that it was not affecting me at all.  He said, "Wait!  You're still at a zero?" and he was so excited he almost couldn't contain it.  I could hardly believe it at all.  I was in tears from the pure happiness and joy of knowing that I have broken free of one of my worst nightmares that came to life.  Now, I'm excited to see what else I can heal with Lori.  

Today, I find myself to be extremely emotional, but not necessarily in a bad way.  I can just feel that something has finally been opened up in me.  Crying is a major part of the healing journey, so now that I am getting there, I might have some hope of actually healing my trauma.  One of the ladies in my group thinks that she cries too much, but for the longest time I wished I could cry, even just a little bit.  Now that I am crying over everything, I see why my past therapists wanted me to cry.  Unfortunately, they wanted to force it without doing any of the work required to get me there and for me to feel safe enough to cry.  My tears are not for everyone, and I don't owe anybody proof of my emotions.  

Until next time...  Stay blessed, y'all...

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