Battling the Darkness: A Mental Health Update Post

 I've been in a dark place for a few days.  I haven't been able to find the words to write about it, so I'm going to try to do so now.  I may end up deleting this for the 5,430,503rd time this week.  Who knows...

Back in 2021, I was seeing a psychiatrist through MultiCare.  She was treating me for bipolar disorder but apparently, she thought that I had BPD (borderline personality disorder), also.  She never discussed it with me.  She simply wrote it in the notes of my medical chart, clearly not realizing that I read everything that has my name attached to it.  She never had a single conversation with me about the possibility of a new diagnosis.  It was sneaky and behind-my-back and I don't like people that move like that.  I need to be able to trust my providers to communicate with me when there is an issue.  I stopped seeing her after that incident and ran from that diagnosis ever since.

Last month, my meltdowns started to become so extreme that I knew this wasn't just bipolar or PTSD.  This is something much more intense and I became tired of the guessing games, so I spoke with Jessie (Lori's supervisor who covered our groups while she was gone) about it and she recommended I have Lori do the assessment when she got back.  It sounded like a solid plan, and it shut me up for a while.  When Lori returned, I discussed this with her.  Lori did not dismiss my concerns or gaslight me at all (not that I ever expected her to).  She offered to do the assessment during my next session, which was this past Monday.

Monday's appointment was a bit chaotic because I had a terrifying medical appointment afterwards.  When I got to Lori's office, I was beyond emotionally dysregulated, so I asked to work with the EMDR tappers before we got started.  I worked with them for about 5 minutes or so, then I was ready, willing and able to get to work with her.  She asked what I wanted to do, and I reminded her about the assessment we had discussed.  She got out the DSM and started the assessment for me.

I was a nervous wreck with some of the questions.  There were things that I have never discussed with any therapist or professional before.  I even told Lori at one point that this is terribly embarrassing to admit to.  She seemed understanding, compassionate and non-judgmental, so I felt okay to keep sharing.  The questions asked about abandonment history and issues, self-image, impulsivity, interpersonal relationships, etc.  There were 9 questions, and I endorsed 8 of them.  I did not expect to endorse that many.  I thought I might have it.  I didn't expect it to be so overwhelmingly certain that I have this condition.  

After I left therapy that day, I got stuck in my head.  I know that I requested the assessment, so it's my own fault, but I went to a really dark place after that appointment.  I felt broken to a level that I have never felt before.  It reinforced the feeling that I am too broken for this world, and I am too broken for this marriage.  It's not fair for my husband to have to suffer along the way just because I have BPD.  It's way more than he asked for.  I told him that he should leave me for his own good, but he won't hear it.  He says that he loves me no matter what, and that's all good and fine, but I love him enough to know that he would be better off without me dragging him down.  I don't know what to do about this, so we are at an impasse right now.  

I met with my psychiatrist today and he was the first professional that I had to inform of the new diagnosis.  I didn't want to admit it yet, but if anyone should know about this new information, it's definitely my psychiatrist.  When my appointment started, he asked how I was, and I told him, "Well, I got a new diagnosis."  He said, "Oh.  Tell me about it."  I said, "It's right up your alley.  I have borderline personality disorder."  He didn't bat an eye.  He remembered me discussing it with him in regard to the psychiatrist that failed to communicate with me about it, so he was surprised to hear that this was now a diagnosis for me.  He knew that I was avoiding it, so he asked me what changed.  I explained to him how awful my meltdowns have been lately and that I asked for the assessment because I need to know what is wrong with me.  This is not normal, and I was tired of not having a name for it. 

I explained to Dr. Goodwin how this diagnosis is making me feel and I expressed concern for how it would be received by others.  The doctor said something that I wasn't expecting to hear.  He said, "Social media influencers have done such a great job with raising awareness and sharing their stories that it's not really seen as a negative anymore."  That made me feel so good!  I told him that I plan to raise awareness and share my story, too.  Mine is just being told in book form, not online like the others.  He was pleased to hear that from me.  

Dr. Goodwin asked if my therapy would change and I let him know that Lori and I discussed that and she said that there is no need to change what I'm currently doing.  EMDR is still sufficient for my trauma healing journey.  She also said that after my healing journey is done, I might not have the BPD symptoms anymore, so that gives me just a tiny bit of hope.  I asked the doctor if there are any necessary medication changes and he said there was one drug we could try, but it happened to be a drug that I know I'm allergic to from taking over ten years ago.  I was not in the mood for any more reactions, especially after all the allergy drama from last month.  He agreed to just keep my medications the same for now and if anything changes, I will reach out to him and let him know.  

I really appreciate that this doctor listens to me so well.  It's rare for me to find a doctor that listens to me, especially a male doctor that listens.  He's a rare gem, I'll tell you!  I haven't had a good psychiatrist in a long time.  I have been in mental health services since 2001, and I have never found one that will actually listen until Dr. Goodwin.  By the time my appointment was over, I was out of the dark place in my mind and ready to face life again.  Hopefully, I'll stay out of the darkness for a while.  Gods help me...

Until later...