Doing Hard Things, Scared : A Urogynecology Update Post

 I had an important appointment yesterday afternoon.  I met with my urogynecologist's Nurse Practitioner, Katrina Whipple.  It was my first time meeting with her, so my anxiety was through the roof.  In fact, my anxiety was so bad that I had a massive meltdown in the morning while trying to get ready for my day.  I knew that I was going to have to tell this doctor all about my past trauma, both sexual and medical.  Both forms of trauma are pertinent to this appointment as it affects Interstitial Cystitis in a big way.  Every time I have anxiety or get upset, I have an instant bladder flare.  It's like clockwork, every single time.  

When the nurse was checking me in and doing my vitals, I let her know that my blood pressure might be elevated due to my medical anxiety and past trauma.  At that point, I told her some of the minor details of my abuse by medical providers.  She was very compassionate and had empathy for what I have gone through.  She got the vitals and charting done, then Katrina came in and introduced herself to us.  I had to tell my story, again, so that the doctor would understand my issues.  This is the part of those appointments that I hate more than the rest of it.  I never know if I'm going to be judged, dismissed or gaslit about what happened to me.  It's a very uncomfortable situation, all around.  

I explained to Katrina why I had not gone to the physical therapist for Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy (PFPT).  I endured PFPT once before, back in 2021, and it was also traumatic for me.  The therapist ultimately gave up and quit seeing me.  That felt awful.  It felt like I had wasted all that time and put myself through all this extra anxiety and trauma for nothing.  I did not want to go back and do that when I was supposed to.  I just never called them back.  Not the most professional way to handle the situation, but it is what it is.  Katrina and I discussed trying physical therapy again and I agreed to do it.  She told me that it was totally up to me and that I didn't have to do anything that I did not want to do.  I told her that I appreciated her saying that, but if I wanted this pain to lesson or stop, I was going to have to endure some things that I don't want to do.  She understood what I meant and that helped a lot.  She said that I was being referred to Shelby who is considered to be the best in town, and they are trauma-informed.  

We discussed injecting Botox into the lining of my bladder and as traumatizing at that sounds, it is the option that we are going with for now.  I am beyond terrified of this procedure because some people have bladder retention afterwards and have to be on a catheter.  Having a catheter is a major trigger for my medical trauma as catheters have been used to punish me by a medical provider before.  It was awful and she laughed while I cried through it.  She made jokes and dismissed my pain.  She even laughed about the scar tissue she found in my urethra.  It was awful.  I told Katrina that I do not want a catheter that stays inside of me.  She offered to give Michael and I catheter training before we do the Botox so that I know if it is something that I will be able to handle on my own for a while.  I agreed to that and felt good with that plan.  Michael and I will both learn how to do it, so I won't have to do it if I run into an issue with it.  He'll be able to take over and/or assist.  I'll start physical therapy, then I'll schedule an appointment with Katrina for three months down the road.  That's the appointment that we will do the catheter training and schedule the Botox injections.  I'll be having the Botox injections in the surgery center, under anesthesia.  There is no way I would survive that being done in the office.  There is just no way!

I'm going to work with Lori on reprocessing some of my medical trauma so that I can hopefully make it through the physical therapy appointments without melting down or having massive flashbacks.  I'm going to talk to her about this and make a plan.  She'll know what to do to help me get through all of this.  She's always got a plan for whatever arises.  I love that about her.  She looks at the challenge like a puzzle and puts the pieces where they need to go.  I absolutely love working with her.  I am so grateful that I found her.  I don't think any other therapist would ever work out for me.  I don't usually click with very many professionals, but I have not had one single problem with anyone at Revive and that is so rare that it is worth mentioning.  

I have already received a text message from the physical therapist, but I have not yet made that call.  I need to and I know that I need to, but it causes so much anxiety that I can hardly breathe.  Michael says he'll make that call, but his follow through game sucks.  The only comfort I have in scheduling this appointment is the fact that it takes months to get into this place.  Somehow, I will make this call.  Sigh...