Lost and Confused: A Mental Health Venting Post

 I have not had the best day, and I think that a venting session might be helpful.  My day was doomed from the very moment it started.  Actually.  That is not correct.  It was doomed when I had an awful night last night.  I was in an excruciating amount of pain and that was stopping me from sleeping.  I tossed and turned and begged for help for hours before I finally decided to take a clonazepam to help me sleep.  I rarely take those tablets.  I do not care for them at all, and they cause me cardiac distress the following day.  My doctor prescribes 10 of them at a time and that lasts me about 3 - 4 months.  I'm not even exaggerating.  I pick them up when I do my quarterly pain management appointments.  The clonazepam took until around 2 am to put me to sleep and when it did, I slept like the dead until my 6:30 am alarm woke me up.  I turned it off (without realizing that's what I did) and went back to sleep until my next alarm, which is my 7 am medication alarm.  I got a total of 4 -5 hours of sleep last night, which is nowhere near enough for me to properly function.  

Unfortunately, when I don't get enough sleep, many of my diseases and conditions tend to flare, both physical and mental illnesses.  I had a BPD episode late last night, then once again this morning.  I hate myself every single time I have one of those episodes.  Nobody understands how hard it is on me because they are all consumed by their own feelings about what I'm going through.  Nobody even considers me and that is hurtful.  My BPD has been a major problem in my life and marriage for a long time now.  I'm sick and tired of living like this, but I don't know what to do to make any changes.  I'm just so lost and confused half the time.  The rest of the time I'm enraged over Gods know what.  I feel like I'm getting emotional whiplash from my own damn self!  I can't even blame anyone else.  It's my own fault that I can't control myself.  It's my responsibility to get my life back in order.  

The episode this morning put me into a self-hatred cycle that lasted all day.  I hardly even spoke in group today; I was still so upset with myself.  It's all I could think about.  I couldn't even join in today's art project.  I was just kind of numb, in a way.  This new diagnosis has proven to be difficult to face.  My relationship therapist, Angela, recommended the book, "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality".  I'm not too sure how I feel about it yet.  I'm about halfway through it now and certain parts of it have made me feel kind of hopeless with this diagnosis.  In some parts of the book, I recognize myself and it makes me feel like a monster.  The book says that anyone with BPD will require lifelong therapy.  There is no end-date.  There is no exit date, as some would call it.  There is no "end" of the healing journey.  You must be in therapy for the rest of your natural life.  My marriage is not going to survive me being in therapy forever.  Michael is not too fond of my therapy schedule as it is, but he has agreed to deal with it for a limited amount of time.  Now, this might be too much for us.

The more I think about this diagnosis, the more I feel like I should just be single.  I don't think that anyone should ever have to be in a relationship with someone like me.  Michael didn't like it when I said that to him, but I feel that he deserves honesty from me.  This is a heavy diagnosis for me to cope with.  I've had suspicions about some of my odd traits, but this book has forced me to take a long look in the mirror and I'm afraid I don't like what I am seeing.  Now, I must figure out how to change that.  That's going to be the hard part for me.  I already know it.  If I can't change it, then I'll have to change my marital status.  I don't want that to be what happens, but I don't see any other good options in front of me right now.  I just feel so lost and confused tonight.