A Wild Ride: A Mental Health Update Post

 My mental health has been a wild ride lately.  As you likely know, I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) last month by my therapist, Lori.  The diagnosis has hit me pretty hard and I'm still struggling to deal with it.  I still can't even admit it to certain people.  Nobody understands what it's like to get hit with a diagnosis like this.  The realization that the trauma from my childhood permanently altered my personality is a hard pill to swallow, you know?  I haven't given up on myself yet, though, so I have that going for me.

I've had a busy therapy schedule lately.  I've been going at least 4 times per week.  I have two groups with Lori and a one-on-one session every week.  Then, I have a relationship group with Angela, the other clinician that I work with.  Both of these therapists have been immensely helpful for my healing journey.  Lori is my trauma therapist, and she is amazing and teaches me lots of new skills, tools and coping mechanisms.  She helps me to process all the bad things that have happened to me.  She walks me through each step but lets me lead the way and choose the speed at which we move.  Angela is equally valuable to my healing journey.  She is my relationship therapist and also my current BPD expert.  Not only does she know more about BPD than anyone else around me, but she also says that she loves to work with BPD clients.  Nobody says that to us.  I love working with both of these clinicians and I am blessed to have access to more than one professional.  

Not only do I have two therapists that I work with, but I also have a psychiatrist on my mental health team.  I saw him today.  Dr. Goodwin of Goodwin Health Cafe is a really good doctor, and I have been happy with him for as long as I've been working with him.  He listens to me.  He generally goes along with whatever medication plan I have.  Occasionally, he'll have to steer the plan a bit more because I'm not a doctor and obviously don't know as much as he does.  

Today, I asked him to switch my antipsychotic.  I'm currently taking Latuda, but I no longer want to be on that medication.  It requires me to eat 300 calories when I take it, which is only once per day.  Now that I am on an amazing migraine medication, it became the priority.  The migraine medication, Qulipta, causes me to lose my appetite, so taking Latuda with 300 calories has become almost impossible for me.  Once I explained all of this to Dr. Goodwin, he agreed to switch the medication.  

I will start taking Abilify tomorrow night and continue to take Latuda for the next month.  I take 5 mg of Abilify for the next week, then 10 mg for the following three weeks.  After a month of taking both the Abilify and Latuda, I can just stop taking the Latuda.  There is no withdrawal risk stopping it suddenly.  After stopping the Latuda, we can adjust the Abilify if needed.  I don't know how high that medication goes in dosage, but I've heard of some people taking as much as 30 mg.  I have heard that a lot of BPD patients do very well with Abilify, so I'm hopeful that it will help me, too. 

I'm unable to take any mood stabilizers due to allergies and past reactions, so I'm stuck with only the antipsychotic to help me through these mental illnesses.  It feels impossibly hopeless when I am unable to take these types of medications.  When you have disorders like BPD and Bipolar, mood stabilizers are like a lifeline.  Now, that I know that I can't take any at all, I feel helpless.  I don't know how else to manage my mood swings if medication is not available for me.  I have no lifeline currently and that is downright terrifying to me.  

The other issue with mood stabilizers is the fact that Lori will not do EMDR reprocessing on me if I am on a mood stabilizer.  Apparently, mood stabilizers affect the efficacy of EMDR.  I do not want to stop EMDR therapy when that is the only therapy that has ever helped my trauma.  It healed massive parts of my trauma in a matter of days instead of years of working on the trauma.  I can't walk away from that.  I'd rather suffer for a short period of time and heal my trauma than to spend many more years suffering with unresolved trauma.  Angela brought up that point the other day, and I fell in love with it.  

Well... that about covers the mental health update for now.  I'm still hanging on by a thread that is fraying, but I won't let go.  I won't give up.  I won't stop until I'm healed.  That's the promise that I have made to myself.  I am worth it, and I am willing to put in all the work to get to where I need to be in my life.  Until later...