An Unexpected but Necessary Rest Day: A Mental Health Venting Post

 I'm not having the best day today.  Hell, I'm not having the best week of my life.  I think I need to write about it so that I can let it go.  Writing is usually very therapeutic for me.  I don't know why, but it's always been that way for me.  I've kept a journal since I was a small child.  I always wanted to be a writer, though not necessarily a "famous writer".  Now, I'm actually writing a book!  We'll see if it gets published.

I've been feeling pretty down (physically) since Friday evening.  I slept well that night.  I got almost 9 hours of sleep and almost felt rested in the morning.  Unfortunately, that was the last decent night's sleep I've gotten.  Saturday and Sunday mornings, I woke up at 3 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take on the day.  I suspect a manic cycle coupled with painsomnia.  I was in pain each morning when I woke up at 3 am, so it makes sense that painsomnia had something to do with it.

I started a new antipsychotic on Friday morning, then the troubles started for me.  I'm not sure if these symptoms are directly related to the new medication, Abilify (aripiprazole), or just part of an autoimmune flare.  I am having difficulty sleeping, early morning wakeups, agitation, moodiness, BPD splitting episodes, racing thoughts, and a bit more depression than I'm used to.  The suicidal ideation, however, has not gotten any worse than a typical day.  Suicidal ideation is the biggest concern with the new medication, so Michael and I are closely monitoring my thoughts and behavior for signs of it.  So far, so good.  Now, if I could just figure out these other symptoms, I'd be good to go.

The mental health symptoms are not the only bothersome symptoms today.  I am also having autoimmune flares that are impacting everything that I am already going through.  Because of the lack of sleep, my body is going a bit haywire.  My muscles are sore and aching, my joints ache, I feel like I ran a marathon yesterday, but I only walked for 334 steps all day.  My average is around 5,000 steps per day, just for reference.  I could not move further than the bathroom for two days and today is looking the same as yesterday.  My stomach is also upset today.  I've got nausea, too.  I have taken all the nausea medication I can for now.  If you take it too soon after a dose, it can cause cardiac trouble, so I'm very careful about not taking it too often.  The only good thing I've got going for my health is the fact that I have not had a migraine since August 2nd.  For once, a migraine medication is actually working on me!

I'm trying to keep my head up and stay in good spirits, but days like this make it incredibly difficult to do so.  Everything seems so much more serious than it actually is.  I'm having BPD splits and meltdowns left and right.  I'm so emotional that I can't keep it together.  I'm a wishy-washy mess today!  My poor husband has been stuck taking care of me for the first time in a long time.  He is usually at work when I feel unwell and I have to take care of myself, but this time, he's stuck at home with me, so he has had to pick up the slack and help me.  Luckily, he rarely makes me feel bad for needing help, and when he does make me feel bad for it, it's never intentional.  I'm just not used to being taken care of anymore.  I have worked incredibly hard at learning to be independent lately and this just feels like a major setback.  I know that it's not; it just feels that way right now.

I was supposed to go to therapy with Lori today.  My one-on-one session was scheduled for this afternoon, but the later it got, the more I realized that I would not be able to attend.  I briefly considered attending virtually, which is an option my therapist offers, but my brain fog is so bad today that I know I would not have been able to focus on anything Lori and I would try to do.  I did the most sensible thing and texted her to let her know all that I'm dealing with this morning.  Lori has a medically fragile adult child, so she fully understands what being sick forever will do to you.  I'm grateful to be working with a therapist who knows what it's like to live like this.  It makes a huge difference for me.  Lori wasn't upset that I was canceling at all, which is the reaction I expected from her.  She doesn't usually get upset with me, but I also rarely ever cancel an appointment.  I see her three times a week, including for two weekly groups, so she knows how punctual and dedicated I am.  She told me to get some rest and that she would see me on Thursday for group.  

Knowing that everything is squared away until at least tomorrow, (I have Relationship Group with Angela tomorrow), I decided to accept this rest day, as unwanted as it was to begin with.  I don't do well with rest days.  There is this voice in the back of my mind that reminds me just how lazy it is to take a rest day.  I can't get that voice to stop talking, either.  It's my own voice that I was conditioned to have.  These are not my thoughts.  These are the thoughts of the capitalist machine that America has become a part of.  "They" say we need to be productive, so we beat ourselves up to be exactly what "they" want us to be.  It's ridiculous!  This is one of the things on my goal list to deal with and learn to move past.  Everyone deserves as many rest days as their body needs.  They do not need to be earned.  I need to learn that last part, still!  I'm a work in progress, after all, and I am nowhere near done.  As long as I continue to see my own growth and progress, I know that I'm doing okay.

Off to rest!  Until later...