Splitting Again: A BPD Venting Post

Life with BPD has gotten...interesting...to say the least.  I have struggled with it quite a bit lately, but I'm working through it.  My symptoms have seemed a bit out of control lately and my splitting episodes have been frequent.  I did go three days without a split, but that streak ended this morning.  I have been triggered by several different things lately, and I am still learning how to cope with triggers and the splitting episodes that follow.  I have been a mess lately.

I had a truly awful split on Sunday night.  It may have been the worst one yet.  I don't remember much about it now, just bits and pieces.  I know that it was so bad that it pushed my husband to snap.  It made him behave in a way that he has never done in the 18+ years that we have been together.  Michael is one of the least violent people I have ever known, but he was almost pushed past the point of no return that night.  I lost my ever-loving mind and was thrashing around, hurting myself and my wall.  Michael tried to stop me by entering my safe place (the bathroom), but that triggered me to physically and violently convince him to leave said bathroom.  Eventually I calmed down and took a hot bubble bath to calm myself down.  The tears just flowed from my eyes because for the first time ever I was truly terrified of my husband and deep down, I know it's my fault that he snapped, but that did nothing to mitigate the absolute panic and desolation I was feeling in that moment.  After my crying spell in the bathtub and again in the bedroom as I was trying to fall asleep, he apologized to me, and it was genuine and sincere.  He was exceedingly remorseful for what he had said to me.  I forgave him because we are both human and neither of us are perfect.  

While I've been dealing with these splits in my personal life, I have also been dealing with some not-so-great feelings in therapy.  We had a clinician sitting in on our groups lately and there was an incident with him that put all of us on high alert.  I won't go into too many of the details because who he is and what he did don't matter as much as how they affected me and my BPD.  Basically, he questioned my BPD diagnosis because he gets "gut feelings" that he uses to diagnose.  Lori called that out right away because she actually diagnoses the legal and ethical way - with an entire assessment/evaluation.  It takes an entire session to complete.  She does not cut corners.  Anyway, when I was talking about me having BPD, he rolled his eyes at me and if you know me, you know that enrages me to no end, especially from a man.  It feels dismissive with a touch of gaslighting.  I stopped talking after that and the entire group noticed the shift.  I was not the only one who was offended.  The other group member with the same diagnosis was also highly affected, so I know it's not a "me problem".  He was out of line.  All the other group members agreed that he was not welcome to come back.  I said I would stop coming if he was going to be in there.  We all said the same thing.  It was an easy decision for Lori.  She's very protective of her clients.  

While dealing with all this BPD-related crap, I'm working on my DBT workbook and trying to use as many tools and skills as I can think of (or remember in the heat of the moment).  I'm going to therapy four days per week, participating in the discussions and applying what I learn outside of my sessions.  I follow everything that is recommended by my therapists, even if it seems silly or pointless at first.  I give it all a try because I have seen so many changes in my life over the last year.  Even my closest friends have noticed a huge difference in me.  My PenPal tells me so all the time and they stand to gain nothing from lying to me, so I tend to believe them.  Michael still won't admit that he sees any changes.  I don't know why he withholds praise so much, but it is kind of disheartening that strangers on the Internet tell me they are proud of me, but my own husband won't.  

Being on a healing journey is easily one of the most difficult things I have ever attempted to do.  I have had to look in the mirror and face things about myself that truly sucked to see!  I have faced the darkness within and still do.  I have begun to reprocess my traumas with Lori through EMDR, and some things have gotten better already.  I have hope for the first time in a long time.  My medical tests have come out good enough that they no longer think I'm terminally ill, at least not in the near future.  Now, I have hopes of going back to school and starting a career.  These are things that I never would have seriously believed I could attain, but now that I am healing, I see a path where that just might work out for me.  It's almost exciting to me that the light is coming back.  I'm afraid to embrace it because of trauma, but I can say that it is there... finally!  

Until next time...