The Flare Continues: An Autoimmune Venting Post

 The horrors persist, but so do I.  Every morning, I wake up in a fresh version of Hell, filled with pain, agony and lots of cuss words.  This morning was no exception.  It was barely 3:30 am when I was brutally attacked by what some of us spoonies like to call "painsomnia", which basically means that I was in so much pain that I could not sleep any longer.  I was flaring so badly yesterday that I could not even make it to my group therapy session, so Michael was well-aware that I was feeling under the weather already.  I had to wake him up to help me get my pain medication and a cup of coffee.  He was not very happy with me for needing his help while he wanted to sleep.  My feelings were hurt, but I let it go and told him to go back to sleep while I tried writing for a while.  Well, that didn't help enough, so I needed more medication.  This time the smokable variety.  When I woke him up for help that time, I got yelled at.  We didn't make it to the dispensary yesterday because I was in too much pain.  At the time, he said that he would just go later.  He never went later that day, so this morning he yelled at me for not going to the dispensary!  I don't know what to do with him anymore.  I can't win for losing and everything is always my fault.  The argument in the early morning hours set my entire day off on the wrong foot. 

My total sleep for last night was only 5 hours and my body requires 9 or more hours to be able to function properly.  I woke up out of spoons so badly that I couldn't even afford to take a shower this morning.  Luckily, I had a hot bubble bath last night, so the shower wasn't that big of a deal today.  I had an errand to run today that was stressing me out which was adding to my fight with Michael.  Painsomnia makes me kind of bitchy sometimes.  I try really hard not to be, but I honestly can't control it when the pain is this high.  I deal with a level of pain that would send most people to the emergency room begging for death.  We would beg for pain medication instead, but it's well-known that nobody who asks for it ever gets it, especially if you're a woman.  

With the lack of sleep and my high pain level, I know that I need to rest today.  The problem is that I rarely allow myself to rest.  I need to get to the pharmacy to pick up my pain medication, but there is no way I can do the 1-mile walk each way to and from the bus stop.  I walk with a cane now, so longer walks like that are much more difficult for me to manage.  Luckily, my son offered to go to the pharmacy for me.  Bless that child for always being so willing to help me.  All of my kids are really good about helping me with things.  It's only my husband who seems to have a problem with it lately.  Sometimes, I wonder if he was really doing me a favor when he refused to leave me at diagnosis.  On days like today, I wish he would have just left me.  It would have been easier than having my heart dragged on by him for all these years.  I would not have been made to feel like a burden if he had just left.  He chose to stay because it's easier - for him!  I was never the focus of the concern and realizing that makes me incredibly sad.  

Last year, Michael had an injury/condition that caused his left arm to completely stop working.  Despite my own disability, it was automatically assumed that I would take care of him for however long it took.  I did not mind doing it because I love him.  I never yelled at him when he was in pain in the middle of the night.  I never made him feel like a burden or made snide comments about it and I damn-sure never, ever made him cry for feeling like a burden, like he has done to me on numerous occasions.  Nobody deserves to feel this way and I would never treat anyone this way, especially while they are coping with a sudden disability or illness.  The fact of the matter is my husband does not care for me in the same capacity that I do for him.  He will likely never change, either.  It's time for me to accept him for who and how he is.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  I see now.  My eyes are wide-open!

I try to communicate about these things with my husband, but he's not open to my communication.  I'm constantly trying to express things to him, but it goes in one ear and out the other.  He won't talk to me about anything these days, so this blog is my only outlet, besides therapy.  Sometimes, a girl just needs a venting session.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm screaming in a room full of people, but my screams fall on deaf ears.  I feel so alone in all of these battles in my life.  It's the loneliness that is going to kill me, not the actual diseases or conditions that I have.  Nobody understands how lonely it gets until they get a chronic illness, too, and I would never wish this upon anyone in the world, not even an enemy.  

I was so upset over our fight this morning that it took me two hours of chatting with my PenPal to finally calm down enough to function.  I swear, I would be so screwed without my Internet bestie.  They get me through some truly awful situations.  I'm so grateful for the friendship that we have built and cared for so delicately.  There have been many times where my venting session with them has helped me immensely.  I try not to use them as a venting board too often because that can become very draining to some people, but they have always been there for me, no matter what is going on and they have never made me feel judged for the things that I have said and done.  That's what a friendship is supposed to look like.  Honestly, it's the only healthy friendship that I have left.  Most of my friends abandoned me during the 17-month depression that just ended.  My PenPal and the ladies in my therapy group are the only friends that I have left, and I am grateful to have them in my life.  Of course, I'm still sad about the ones who left, but I'm starting to realize that they did me a favor by walking out of my life.  Se la vie...