Ariel's Two Cents

 I'm having another rest day, and I am not particularly happy about it.  Rest days are still an uphill battle for me.  I am one of the people who has been forced to believe that they only have value when they are productive members of society.  After a lifetime of being told, in no uncertain terms, that it is unacceptable to be unproductive, it's nearly impossible to allow yourself to rest.  This is where I am at now.  I know that my body needs to rest, but my mind will not allow it.  Even when I'm lying down to rest, my brain is going a million miles a minute.  I have Bipolar II and am currently in a hypomanic phase , so resting with racing thoughts is becoming even more difficult than before.   Today's rest day is brought to us courtesy of frying chicken last night.  You got it!  All I did all day long was fry chicken for an hour in the evening, and I am in so much pain today that I can hardly even get out of bed.  I wa...

I did a "thing" yesterday and I need to write about it.  I have been seeing my therapist 2-3 times per week for over eight months, and I have never, not once, ever taken myself to and from the office alone.  Last week, Lori and I discussed the need for me to prove to myself that I can do this, so yesterday was the day that I tested myself with it.  It did not go wonderfully, like I had hoped, but I did survive, so there's that!  I went through a lot, mentally and emotionally, before I even left the house.   I woke up with my 6 am alarm and the first thought in my mind was, "How in the Hell am I going to make it there and back alone?"  I could not shake the thought from my brain to save my life.  My mind was intent on convincing me that every single thing that could go wrong, would go wrong.  These dark thoughts first thing in the morning prompted a panic attack of epic proportions and I am still reeling from it all.  I woke Michael up to...

  Painsomnia ...  Easily one of the most-hated aspects of my autoimmune life.  It hit me at 3 am today.  I woke up with excruciating pain ripping through my entire body.  My bedroom was too cold, and my blankets had been stolen from me.  I woke up to try and get myself warm again, but by then, my pain was too high, and it was too late for me to go back to sleep.  I asked Michael to help me get a cup of coffee (which he does every morning and never has an issue with it) and to grab my pain medication for me.  I keep it in what I call the "control bag" which is a medication bag with a combination lock on it, to keep everyone out of my controlled medications.  Michael doesn't even have the combination to it, so it's quite secure.  He got up and made the coffee, got my medications and computer for me, then promptly went back to sleep, which I have no problem with.  That is what he does every day.  It's our "normal" routine, so this...

  EMDR .  Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  These words have been the main topic on my mind for the last year.  I read the book, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk, and it made me a believer in EMDR.  I spent a few months searching for a therapist that was trained in EMDR, and it didn't take me long to find Lori and make her my therapist.  She's more than just a therapist to me.  She's a healer who loves her craft and I love to watch her in her element with it.  When we are at our therapy group sessions together, she just glows.  You can tell that it is, indeed, her passion.  EMDR was recommended to me many years ago, but I was nowhere near ready to deal with my trauma at the time.  I am now ready to process my trauma in a safe place with the person I trust implicitly, Lori. Lori and I have done a lot of preparation work for the reprocessing phase of EMDR.  I had a long way to go when I got to Lori...

 I'm not Christian, but like many non-religious households in America, we partake in certain elements of the traditions that most of us were a part of as children.  This is no different for my family.  This weekend was Easter Weekend, and although we did not attend any religious services, we did have a family get-together.  My son who has unofficially moved out, came home and brought his girlfriend with him.  We just love her to death, so this was not a problem at all!  I wasn't able to afford the traditional Easter meal, and the kids all wanted fried chicken instead, so I chose to "go with the flow" and make the meal that they all wanted.  I mean, it's not often that they all agree on anything, let alone the holiday meal, so I went with it.  Interestingly enough, "go with the flow" was my intention on Insight Timer yesterday, so it was fitting that the day went the way that it did.  I was given ample opportunity to utilize my intention for t...

Today has been a bad day for me, and I think writing about it might help me to process it.  I woke up in a lot of pain this morning.  I overdid it yesterday by going to my group therapy session, then running errands afterwards.  The meltdown first thing yesterday morning was not helpful for my spoons.  I use an app to track my spoons.  It's called Visible  and it uses your heart rate to track your activity level to help you not overdo it and cause a flare.  It also tracks your Morning Stability score by looking at vitals like your Heart Rate Variability (HRV) and Resting Heart Rate (RHR) to determine if you should have a rest day or if you have been pacing well.  This morning, it gave me a rating of 1/5 and asked me to be kind to myself today.  That should have told me to just crawl back in bed and forget all about this day.  I used more than double my allotted points yesterday, so I feel like today started with a massive deficit instead...

 My heart is racing.  My palms are sweaty.  I'm getting dizzy.  My knees feel weak.  My vision is getting darker.  I almost can't see anything in front of me.  I'm hyperventilating.  I can't breathe.  I need help.  These are the symptoms that I get anytime I'm having anxiety.  I have been struggling with this since I was a child, and it has never gotten any easier for me to deal with it.  You see, I have been through horrible situations that have traumatized me forever.  I've been in a shootout.  I've been kidnapped.  I've been sexually assaulted and abused.  I've been beaten by lovers and attacked by my haters.  I have plenty of reason for reacting the way that I do.  I have been fighting a battle in my head since the chaos began.  I am a warrior!  I will never give up. C-PTSD is the reason that I struggle with these symptoms.  PTSD causes some symptoms, but when a person has comp...

 Making memories with my family has been critically important to me ever since that fateful day in 2018 where the rheumatologist told me that I was dying, slowly, but dying just the same.  I stopped living my life in some ways, but in others I have kicked it up a bit.  One way that we did that was by attending a rock concert over the weekend.  My husband got free tickets to see Buckcherry , and we took our oldest son with us.  The concert was held at Michael's place of employment, so we didn't have to go too far to make those memories.  We simply had to meet my husband after his shift ended and enjoy a family night together.  My youngest son stayed home and watched the house and the dogs for us, so I didn't have to worry about that.  (My dogs have severe separation anxiety , so I can't leave them alone for very long.)   Although I had a blast at the show, there were some moments that were very trying (and a bit triggering), but I ma...

  Scleroderma .  A hard word to pronounce.  A hard disease to live with.  The word, "Scleroderma" literally means hard skin.  It is a disease which causes excess collagen production, which then leads to hard skin in various areas of the body.  Scleroderma does not just affect the skin.  It can also affect several organs and cause fatal complications if not closely monitored.  Knowing this makes it downright terrifying to be without a rheumatologist , or a doctor of autoimmune and rheumatological diseases.  My previous rheumatologist dumped me back in December.  I had seen them for a check-in during the month of November, and they never said a word about losing the contract with my insurance company.  They didn't even bother to mention that there were contract renegotiations going on, so imagine my surprise when I got the call in December 2024 that they were no longer going to be caring for me.  I was blindsided.  To furthe...

 The horrors persist, but so do I.  Every morning, I wake up in a fresh version of Hell, filled with pain, agony and lots of cuss words.  This morning was no exception.  It was barely 3:30 am when I was brutally attacked by what some of us spoonies like to call " painsomnia ", which basically means that I was in so much pain that I could not sleep any longer.  I was flaring so badly yesterday that I could not even make it to my group therapy session, so Michael was well-aware that I was feeling under the weather already.  I had to wake him up to help me get my pain medication and a cup of coffee.  He was not very happy with me for needing his help while he wanted to sleep.  My feelings were hurt, but I let it go and told him to go back to sleep while I tried writing for a while.  Well, that didn't help enough, so I needed more medication.  This time the smokable variety.  When I woke him up for help that time, I got yelled at. ...

I overdid it yesterday.  I am paying for it today.  This is life with chronic illness.  Most people don't have a clue of what it's like to live with a painful, energy-limiting illness like Scleroderma , POTS ,  Long Covid or chronic fatigue .  I have all four of those and struggle daily with the symptoms these diseases cause me.  I woke up in a flare so bad that I had to cancel my plans for today and I hate when that happens.  I hate to miss out on my trauma group because I learn so much in there, but some days, my health needs to be the priority.   I tend to feel guilty when I have to cancel plans.  It's frustrating that my body doesn't cooperate with me and it's also kind of embarrassing when it fails.  I choke on water and fall on flat ground.  I feel like a walking comedy show placed here for everyone else's entertainment.  I avoid going certain places because of these deficiencies.  I'm always afraid to agree to...

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was first mentioned to me back in early 2018 when I was seeking mental health services for my past trauma.  I had never heard of it, and I was still terrified to do anything about my trauma, so I just tucked it in the back of my mind for a later date.  That date came in 2023 when I was reading, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk.  The book had been gaining popularity and was constantly popping up on my social media, so I broke down and bought the book and I read it right away.  I am so grateful that I did.  When the author heard about EMDR, he thought it was just some mental health "fad" that was going to disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  He went to a person and decided to let them do the EMDR therapy on him.  He didn't believe that it was going to work, but he tried it using one trauma of his own from his lifetime.  He did the session, and it worked so well that he said ...

I finally had a chance to talk to my therapist about what went down at the doctor's office last week and the positive High-Risk HPV from that exam.  I don't know why, but I always feel so much better after talking to Lori.  She has a motherly energy, and I just love talking to her, no matter what we're talking about.  She's not judgmental in the least and almost always has a solution to whatever I am dealing with.  This time around, she may have a referral to a doctor that will help me get the hysterectomy.  I'll get more information about that later this week.   As part of my therapy, Lori asked me to tell her what happened at the doctor's office.  I struggled to verbalize it, which is not a new problem for me, unfortunately.  I was able to tell her about Michael deciding for me that I should just get the exam done while we were already there.  I told her about the doctor being kind enough to use lidocaine, although it was still painful...

 I'm doing a thing today and it's kind of scary, but I'm doing it anyway.  I am facing one of my biggest fears, which is being alone for any extended period of time.  This is one of my mental health goals that I am working on with my therapist, Lori.  I've been with her for 6 months now and this is the first time I have had a chance to try to be alone.  I know she's going to love to hear about this tomorrow during my one-on-one session with her. I had massive anxiety this morning that led to a meltdown before Michael left for work.  Any time that I have anxiety, I tend to nag and nitpick those around me, especially Michael.  I don't mean to do it, but once I get triggered, I can't figure out how to stop it.  The words just come out of my mouth.  It's awful and it makes me hate myself for the things that I say when I am triggered.  Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that, no matter what.  This is one of the many things that is on m...

My therapist and I are working on several different things and I'm working very hard to learn all the various skills, tools and techniques that will help me in life.  One of the things that we are working on is me learning to be alone and to go places by myself.  This particular skill is one that I have been unable to practice because my husband likes to go with me everywhere I go.  If he is not available to go somewhere, he insists on one of the boys going with me.  It's tedious and time-consuming for them to have to go everywhere with me.  They are teenagers and want to enjoy their lives, not be my personal security guards in life! I haven't lived alone in my entire adult life, so being alone is scary for me.  When traumatic things happened to me, they always happened when I was at home, alone, so my traumatized brain does not find safety or comfort in being home alone.  Things are even scarier when I have to go somewhere alone because I live near a ...

I've had time to sit with some heavy emotions since yesterday, but I think I'm doing better today, at least somewhat better.  I did some research and spoke to a friend who knows more than I do about HPV .  My conversation with them was extremely beneficial for my mental health.  My tests are negative for HPV-16 and HPV-18 , which are the more concerning strains.  I feel better knowing that.  With the way my tests are looking right now, I might be okay, but I am still going to pursue the hysterectomy .  I am currently looking for the information I need to start the process.  My primary care physician, Cassandra, is already on-board with anything and everything that I need help with.  She is, by far, the best doctor I have ever had, and I've had a lot of doctors over the years.  She listens to her patients, and she does not gaslight them at all.  She has never made me feel any kind of negativity from her, either.  She is just a joy t...