Ariel's Two Cents

 I'm not having the best day, so I think a venting session is in order.  Nobody pissed me off this time, besides my pain levels.  I woke up this morning with a lot of joint and muscle pain.  I'm assuming that it's another Fibromyalgia flare and I hate those worse than the other types of flares that I get.  A Fibromyalgia flare is difficult for me to ascertain as the pain and other symptoms are exceedingly similar to a Scleroderma flare .  It's difficult to keep them all straight on flare days.  It's a sad existence because when one disease or condition is not flaring, there is always another condition starting a flare.  I never get a day off from my autoimmune life. I didn't go to sleep until late last night and I'm sure that is affecting my pain level.  My pain is always higher on days with less sleep.  My body seems to need at least 8 - 9 hours of sleep to combat my autoimmune diseases, but I rarely get that these days.  I have ...

 I've been on the move for weeks now, but I finally managed to carve out a day for some rest.  It doesn't happen often in my life, but occasionally a day of rest will manifest itself.  I'm grateful when it does happen.  Michael is off work today and for once, we don't have any appointments to attend to.  Normally, we would have my therapy appointment this afternoon, but Lori is out of the country for the next 5 weeks, so I am kind of on my own for getting through any mental hangups that may arise.  I think Michael is enjoying not taking me to town today.  I know it gets overwhelming for him when he literally never gets a day to rest.  No human body can tolerate that for very long.  Instead, we are spending the day together and catching up on some chores around the house. I slept 9 hours last night and the night before, but my body is still screaming at me.  It frustrates me when I get a lot of hours of sleep, but I still feel fatigued....

 Michael and I spent the better part of last night in the hospital.  He had gone to our primary care physician, Cassandra, and she wanted to send him to the emergency room via ambulance, but he would not allow that.  She did an EKG  at her office, and it showed atrial flutter , which needed medical attention right away.  Michael and I both have extreme medical anxiety, so this was a difficult situation for us.  Luckily, Cassandra understands our issues, so she sent a note to the emergency room so that they would know what to do with us.  I love our doctor.  She is so amazing.  As we were leaving, she gave me a hug and said, "Thank you for listening to my advice."  I hugged her back and told her, "Thank you."  Michael and I ran our errands, then headed to the hospital.  It took some convincing to get Michael to agree to go, but he finally came around to the idea.  He wanted to wait until Monday, but I knew that was not safe...

After last week's change of plans, Lori and I finally found the time to have my first EMDR reprocessing session.  We had to switch to a virtual session last time and I didn't want to do any reprocessing from home, just in case it flipped me out.  Lori didn't want to have a virtual session for EMDR, either, so there was no disagreement there.  Of course, there is never disagreement between Lori and me.  I trust her implicitly and for good reason. My reprocessing appointment was on Monday, and today is Wednesday.  When you have a reprocessing session, it "opens you up" and your brain continues to reprocess the trauma for the next 48 hours.  I have known this for quite some time as Lori has educated me about the process of EMDR, at least as much as she can without doing the actual therapy.  Most of it is easier to understand when you are going through it rather than when you are just learning about it.  Lori knows that I get anxiety quite easily, so ...

 Today was supposed to be a big day in my healing journey, but that is not the way things went, after all.  I had an in-person therapy session scheduled for 1 pm today.  It was to be the first of many EMDR reprocessing sessions.  I have been terribly nervous about this all week long and it came to a head this morning.  I woke up with a lot of anxiety and could not use my anxiety medication due to the effects it will have on the EMDR.  This was hugely difficult for me this morning and part of the reason that I had started to melt down.  Michael was not as helpful as I had hoped that he would be, but I'll deal with him later.  After a calm conversation, he will likely be more understanding.  I hope so, anyway.  In the midst of me freaking out about not being able to take my medication, I got a text message from Lori letting me know that she needed to do our session from her home today, which meant online instead of in-person.  When I ...

 Yesterday was a stressful day for me, but I survived it.  I had too many appointments scheduled that day, so I had to miss out on my group therapy session, and I hate when I miss out on any opportunity for growth and progress of my healing journey.  However, it was important that I attend the other appointment.  It was a follow-up appointment with my neurologist, Dr. Jennifer Rock.  She has been treating my migraines for about a year now.  I have been on Emgality  since last May and it's just not working out for me.  Yesterday's appointment was the day I chose to advocate for myself, and it was not a simple feat for me. When the doctor started my appointment, I explained to her some of the problems that I'm having like the high number of migraines I'm experiencing every month.  I get over 20 migraines a month and that is while I have been on Emgality for a year.  It has never gotten any better as far as the quantity of migraines is conc...

 I'm getting closer and closer to reprocessing my trauma through EMDR.  I saw my therapist yesterday afternoon and it was a rough session for me.  Part of EMDR preparation is making a "Memory List", which is a list of all of your traumatic memories, measured several different ways.  It is compiled and when you start reprocessing, you refer back to this list.  I don't know much more than that as I have not yet entered that phase of EMDR.  I have been working with Lori for 9 months now, so I have grown to trust her.  I don't trust easily and me taking so long to trust her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my past trauma.  I have been working on this memory list since before Christmas last year and I have hated every second of it.  I hate having to tell my story.  I hate the embarrassment and humiliation that I feel when I have to tell another living soul what was done to me.  It's just awful, but if I must go throug...